Monday Jul 31, 2006

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I was going to shave my hair off tonight but now i'm feeling lazy. I would ask Tatum to do it for me but I don't feel comfortable asking her for favors I'm sure it's all in my head but I'd rather have someone else do it for me or do it myself. Anyways yeah i've been feeling tired of my hair it's been looking like crap so i either need a hair cut or I need to shave it. The only problem is going to get my hair cut isn't one of my favorite things to do I feel strang and awkward well I have social anxiety so yeah some stranger touching my head and asking me questions bothers me well a lot. I would just cut it myself but I guess I have to look sort of decent at the job I have... it's nothing great yeah I'm a temp but it's still office work.

I've made up my mind to deal with more things that I have just been ignoring but even just thinking about it has been fucking with me I hate Anxiety sometimes it just feels like my heart with explode and my whole body will just give out. It's times like that I just want to shut myself in some random closet and just read.
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bahbahblacksheep:
I wish that I could say that puking isn't that bad. I find it to be horrible.

Of course the fear and dread are the worst things, I didn't mean to imply that they aren't. The physical things are a bit scary to me, though.

I blame my parents for much and always will. They owe me for being such shits and I'll never get over their crap until they sincerely apologize and take responsibility for what they have done to all of their children. That may not be how most deal with shit, but it's what I need to do for myself at this point in time. I've tried taking the higher road and not focusing the blame on my parents, but I need to for a bit for my own sanity.
blueleftshoe:
Yeah each person needs to take the path they find works best for them. For me I found it best to not focus on the anger that I hold inside towards people I felt turned me towards a certain direction but rather turn myself towards a directions that I feel works better for me. It's not so much forgiving or forgeting it's more about trying to workin a more postive state... I don't know that it's either good nor bad. It's not an judgement on how others want to deal with things it's just how I want to deal with things.

Yeah I suppose being sick is pretty bad. I suppose I was just trying to say for me physical symptoms while bad arent the things that bother me the most it's the mental or the consequences of my actions as a result of the anxiety that bothers me the most.

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