bloodhigh

*disclaimer*
If you dont know me or you dont care this really wont be the blog to read

2008...it will be one to remember thats for sure.
Im not sure if Ive had a year like that ever. So full of ups and downs. So many neat things. So much heartache.

Now to begin a new year. Ive never in my life began a year with so much uncertainty. So much possibilty. It has the chance to be one of the greatest years of my life. It also holds chance to be the biggest let down. The biggest series of mistakes. Everything is so up in the air....

I found a 2nd job. It seems like it isnt going to be what i was originally hoping for and i dont know if even with this 2nd job if i will be able to make enough money.

Ive been having nightmares lately that lead me to believe that everything Ive been waiting for this past year is not going to work out in my favor. At times i feel like Russell Crows character in a beautiful mind lol. Maybe Ive lost my mind too.

Im fighting to see beauty around me. Im hanging on to hope but it feels like Im fighting a battle thats already lost sometimes.

I turn 24 Sunday. Ive never been bothered by being older. We all joke about how things arent the way they once were. We are never as in good of shape as we once were. We joke about being old. I know at 24 I am not old but for the first time in my life I look upon my birthday with disgust. My life is serving no purpose whatsoever. Ive never judged my own life based on what other people would consider success. Its always been about how Ive felt about it. Today i look at it all and i feel like Ive failed in both categories

I literally spent the last year of my life clinging to a love that may never be. I spent all of '08 waiting for something that may never come and in the process washed my career down the drain. Giving up a job for love doesn't bother me. Not even a little bit. What happens though if at the end of the day Ive lost it all and wont even have lost it for anything? What if it was all in vain? I have no doubt some will say thats just part of life. Maybe it is.

So i begin '09 just as i began '08. Waiting and hoping.

I don't do the whole resolution thing just because it's a new year. I do however have some goals that i want to acheive during this my 25th year of life. Some of them are very cliche but i have my reasons for them all natually.
They come in no particular order.
I still want to look after my love even if we are never meant to be. This has become impossible because we have been completely cut off from one another as it seems.
I kinda want to find out if Im crazy or something lol. It doesnt seem natural for a persons mind to race and jump to conclusions and over analyse EVERYTHING the way i do. I may be bipolar or dealing with some sort of depression or something i dunno.
I need to get into better shape. Since leaving the jail Ive gone up a whole shirt size. I find myself constantly winded and tired and my body constantly hurts. I need to become a healthier person just in case one of these days life becomes livable again.
I want to find some sort of direction in life. I want to discover what i want to do with my life.

I'm sure theres more that needs to be done but this is what i can come up with off the top of my head. Theres always new tattoos and random whatever lol.

I know Im rambling alot. I need music.....