The more I struggle for release, the faster I sink; the less I fight back, the slower my descent. Unfortunately, I am still up to my neck in quicksand, and a complete submerge seems almost inevitable.

The last 9 months have been a very trying cycle of growing confusion, hate, and anger, each month getting harder and harder since April 2014. Having lost my grandmother during that month, I never knew I could experience a loss so deeply. I don't believe I have too many fears in life, but one I am beginning to become acquainted with very much is the idea that I'm not strong enough to handle the loss of loved ones. I've seen it break some pretty tough people, and cannot help but wonder if I'm next to ride the tidal waves of a destructive downward spiral. Death is no stranger to my family, or anyone's for that matter, but my grandmother was practically my 2nd parent for 26 years of my life. My family saw her end approaching, and foolishly thought there was a real chance we could prepare ourselves for it - least that's what I tried. Months fell off the calendar year and I felt myself growing a little number inside, losing purpose to do much of anything. Lately I've been incredibly distracted with how to pick my life back up and move on. Just as I believe I could possibly work my way through the grief, a really good friend of mine is now fighting for her life in a battle against cancer. Much like last year, I'm feeling that I am about to lose yet another person close to me.

Right now I'm coasting through life, doing whatever I want with no real regard for planning or consequences. Thankfully that does not include drugs, alcohol, or anything even remotely dangerous and self destructive, but I'm just existing now. I feel like that's the worst thing because I'm no longer motivated to improve myself in any capacity. I feel that desire to get up and go lying underneath the surface, but something is holding me back from letting go of my fears and worries.

As far as work goes, I'm at an impasse with how I wish to build business for myself. I want to push myself to start my own residential massage business, so that I don't have to rent an actual room/office, or answer to an employer. But I have clients who are uninterested in residential massages, so I have to decide if they're worth cutting off the roster or do I give in an rent a room. I can multitask both projects, but I feel as if I can only give 100% to one venture right now - it's all time and energy into one thing or nothing. On the other hand, I kind of want to return to the spa setting I started out in 3 years ago and just have new clients come to me, but I won't have the freedom of control I do now as an independent contractor. I am really torn about what to do.

The longer I delay myself in making a decision, the tougher it is for me to organize other aspects of my life. I haven't properly worked out in 3 months, can't maintain potential friendships, actively avoid continuing education. My self doubt and social anxiety has significantly subsided as of late, as I find myself being more vocal and confident in convictions, but that doubt is seemingly replaced with strong indifference to anything. There's no love or hate anymore, just a bleak nothingness. I'm always happy to have my family for support, and the small few friends I connect with, but there is so much work to still be done. Just needed to get all of that off my chest to a faceless crowd, haha. A happy new year, indeed...