Wednesday Dec 04, 2002

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i don't know if anyone ever reads this shit... so i am just going to do a little rant...

Ive been numb for so long wanting to feel anything... and this weekend... well I felt good.

Today, however, I feel affection starved... I want so badly for someone to care about me... One person to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay... Anyone...

I've never cared about people caring about me...
i guess this comes with having a family who doesnt tend to care most of the time...
I feel like i have no one... and everyone i do have is soooooooooo far away... I am lost... I love my friends without any doubt... but its hard when you only have one friend that lives within 20 miles of you... and as much as i love her to death lately all i feel is her being to busy for me... We talk and stuff but I don't call her as much because she always has plans and i never am included anymore... its okay... its just weird...

I used to have this friend (male) whom I loved with every inch of my being... his name was kenny... He was my bestfriend but i loved him more then that... until he moved away (then i got this letter from him telling me he loved me but was too stupid to realize it and all this stuff) But we used to sit and talk and he would hold my hand... Thats all I want...

I fucking Hate feeling like this... Fuck Me... I should be ashamed... I'm sorry i go now...

~B
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
booshanky:
i know what you mean. i used to feel like that a lot. but i think i just grew numb to it. like, when i was younger, hell, even a couple years ago, i was REALLY ALIVE. like when i felt great, i felt GREAT. but then again, when i felt bad i felt REALLY BAD. i guess you could say it was in relation to an ex girlfriend, but fuckit, that bitch was crazy.

anyway, my point is that i'm not sure whether i miss that or not. i miss being that happy and bright eyed and just amazed at life, and love, and all that other happy crappy bullshit. but then again, it just opened me up to being FUCKIN CRUSHED. which was just horrible and i wouldnt wish it on anyone i know. but i guess you cant have the good without the bad huh?

i dont know which is worse or better yet. i'll just have to give it time i guess, which is what i suggest you try and do. just give it some time..........
hellkitten:
I know exactly how you feel babe. I was the queen of popularity in high school, must've known at least a hundred people who'd say hi when I walked in in the morning. When I moved 30 minutes away from there in my grad year everyone didn't want to know me anymore it seemed. God that hurt. That was in 96 though, a fair amount of time ago. I'm pretty use to being on my own now (doesn't hurt that I'm an only child) but the funny thing about it is that I feel odd when someone joins me at the coffee shop. Weird eh? I do, however, go through really rough phases where all I want to do is cry, it can be hard when all my buddies are away in university.

If you ever need an ear, I'm hear for ya. +o)

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