i stayed home last night and went for a swim in the pool of me. that water can be so cold somedays...
today is the 14th of april. in 15 days scott bilby is supposed to arrive here from south carolina. ticket and hotel bought and paid for by moi. i haven't seen scott in person since february 2003 when we met in real life after 1 1/2 years of IM, phone calls, snail and email. we had developed a special friendship, which included spending 6 hours on the phone during a christmas we were both completely alone.
everyone knows the story i am sure. i scared the boy away.
abandonment and silence followed.
2:30 a.m. 7 months later, my phone rings... in a drunken, long distance booty call after he had relapsed into his disease, i got the answer i needed... "you're too real radia, you're emotionally far stronger than i am. i just ran away. i know what you mean to me and it scares me senseless..."
i was well over the pain by the time that call came. it was good to hear it anyway. i had spent countless nights wondering what i had done, why he had reacted so bizarrely after everything we had shared. thinking maybe i should have acted differently.
truth be told, he was a recovering alcoholic, mental hurricane and self deprecating bastard. nothing inside of me would have ever been strong enough for that. he would have destroyed me. my strength would have faltered.
so in 15 days he's supposed to come.
we haven't spoken since his last binge session that ended up in treatment just so he could keep his job. that was the end of this last february. i have no idea if he is even still coming. i don't have it in me to call him and find out. i couldn't stand any more rejection from him.
"scott, i wish you could love you, as much as i love you"
...but i don't think he ever will...
edited to say: i'm not seeking answers, just disposing of some mental garbage. i adore you all, yes, even smitty. the one who never fails to say some fucked up shit to distract my brain weevils. fuck you too, smitty! you know i got mad
for you bitch. oh, and you too neo. 
.
edited again to say: HOLY SHIT!!!!! 3rd job offer presented to me today.
when it rains it fucking POURS!!! ok, i have the whole day to myself, no kids, no cares...now, i'm going on a picnic all by myself.
see, i already done cheered up some. you crazy kids...
today is the 14th of april. in 15 days scott bilby is supposed to arrive here from south carolina. ticket and hotel bought and paid for by moi. i haven't seen scott in person since february 2003 when we met in real life after 1 1/2 years of IM, phone calls, snail and email. we had developed a special friendship, which included spending 6 hours on the phone during a christmas we were both completely alone.
everyone knows the story i am sure. i scared the boy away.
abandonment and silence followed.
2:30 a.m. 7 months later, my phone rings... in a drunken, long distance booty call after he had relapsed into his disease, i got the answer i needed... "you're too real radia, you're emotionally far stronger than i am. i just ran away. i know what you mean to me and it scares me senseless..."
i was well over the pain by the time that call came. it was good to hear it anyway. i had spent countless nights wondering what i had done, why he had reacted so bizarrely after everything we had shared. thinking maybe i should have acted differently.
truth be told, he was a recovering alcoholic, mental hurricane and self deprecating bastard. nothing inside of me would have ever been strong enough for that. he would have destroyed me. my strength would have faltered.
so in 15 days he's supposed to come.
we haven't spoken since his last binge session that ended up in treatment just so he could keep his job. that was the end of this last february. i have no idea if he is even still coming. i don't have it in me to call him and find out. i couldn't stand any more rejection from him.
"scott, i wish you could love you, as much as i love you"
...but i don't think he ever will...
edited to say: i'm not seeking answers, just disposing of some mental garbage. i adore you all, yes, even smitty. the one who never fails to say some fucked up shit to distract my brain weevils. fuck you too, smitty! you know i got mad
for you bitch. oh, and you too neo. .
edited again to say: HOLY SHIT!!!!! 3rd job offer presented to me today.
when it rains it fucking POURS!!! ok, i have the whole day to myself, no kids, no cares...now, i'm going on a picnic all by myself.
see, i already done cheered up some. you crazy kids...
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
junecleavage:
Isn't it nice to posess so many personalities that they can all meet for drinks, psychoanalyze themselves and everyone else only to reconvene in mere fractions of time as one completely together hot momma? Or is that just me?
souljerk:
guess you forgot about me again huh>