blai

Do you ever feel like your life is doomed to be lived in concentric circles? And you're just going round and round and round, and while it's fairly entertaining, you aren't actually getting anywhere. I think maybe that's why apathy exists. I don't know. It's a fun ride while it lasts.


Do you ever feel like you've lost something, and you aren't quite sure what? It's not necessarily a bad loss. It's like a dream you can't quite remember. And then suddenyl the sun comes out from behind a cloud and you realise.. shit. I'm a bad person.

Conviction of your own integrity is one of the most important things you can have. If you don't believe you are right, who else will? Imagine you've based a major part of your life in recent memory on a conviction that you were in the right, you were justified. And then suddenly that turns out to be a lie, and you're forced to take responsibility for the fact that you've made some bad decisions, and it's like having your feet knocked out from underneath you.

Because all along, the entire time, your sustenance has been the belief that under it all you're a nice person and somehow that will make up for the fact that you're doing truly horrendous things. No one ever thinks they're really bad, deep down inside. Because they know why they do what they do.

I've done some horrendous things and the whole time, I didn't realise it but I am a bad person. And you know what makes it worse? I really don't give a fuck. I'm sorry if I should, but I'm past caring. And I could throw down a hundred reasons to justify why I am the way I am, but the truth is I don't think I should have to and even if I did, I'm not sure I'd be able to. I'm more content with my life over the past year or so than I have been at any time I can remember. And I've done some horrible things, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to burn in hell and I'm still approaching it all with an apathetic smile because I really don't give a shit.

I'm going to live my life the way I want to, and if I hurt anyone but a select few, I really couldn't care less. I could justify myself, but they'd just be empty words. I can't justify my behaviour because I am wrong. And there is a lot of freedom in that.

I'm going straight to hell, baby, and I'll save you a seat. Because my one consolation is that no matter how many rules I've broken, you've broken a million more. I never chose to be bad. It just kind of ended up that way.