blackink

I don't like saying sweeping statements, but I think I'm safe to assume that everyone has a label that describes them which they've heard once too often. Not a box you've put yourself in, but some word or sentence that is always part of the impression you give off to other people.

They change with time, obviously, as people become more perceptive/self-absorbed and less judgemental/ caring. At 6, I would have been 'chatty'. I talked to everyone, I commented on anything interesting. I informed a man at a bus stop that he only had one leg. At 12, I was probably a bit bossy, not quite realising that people have their own ways of doing things and that it isn't helpful. At 18, a number of things. Irratic, hard working, caring, stressed, hurting, uncertain.... But in honesty, these are all just observations of my character. I still am all of the above (and with lots of nicer qualities too ) It neither bothered me then nor now that these would be things I would be known for. They don't sound so nice, but they're fair judgements.

However, within the past year or so however I've changed a lot of friends. Through my final year at University I met and stayed amongst a different group and since returning home have had a different social circle as most of my older friends have now moved away. And it makes me smile, because within both groups I've since heard the same term, one that I haven't heard before. Amongst these twenty odd people, five have said, in one way or another;

"You're sweet, but you're being a bit naive."

Sweet? That's fine. But Naive? No way.
Of course, the bossy stubborn side of me would assume that I was right on this one
But I know my mind, I'm quick, I'm fairly clever and I'm generally on the ball. I know all the things I see and hear, I know all the times I bite my tongue and don't say anything. How quickly I forgive, how quickly I block out my hurt until it happens again, how much I want to say but don't, feel that my feelings are irrelevant and how I trust that people will be honest with me...

So. I had a ponder whilst I was peddling my half hour away on the bike at the gym. Had a think about why those people were informing me of this evidently deplorable trait in myself, and what I had been doing differently to earn such a title. Two friends told me this at University during a time that my ex boyfriend was cheating on me. They didn't know, but they could see a change in his behaviour and felt that I was being made a fool of. I was grateful for their concern, but I had already registered the differences, and (in hindsight maybe) even suspected what he was up to. But you trust yourself last, and you cheat yourself by condeming your mind for thinking such mean thoughts. It's the rare time an optimistic streak stays within me, which naturally reinforces the other when I'm proved wrong

The other three have been more recently, by people that I don't feel know me so well, but they feel comfortable enough telling me this, so maybe they do. Not that I know them well enough to know why I'm being told this mind. Of course my observant mind is doing over time coming up with reasons, but I've told myself off for being so imaginative. In fact, I thought as I peddaled away, I haven't stopped telling myself off for the past 20 months. I don't think I've ever berated myself so much on a daily basis and generally carried around a big basket of reasons why I'm failing on my head. No wonder my hair's falling out I went through a very independent patch in 2005 and uncertain how to re-socialise, I think I just started nodding and agreeing. It certainly wasn't a conscious decision but now I've re-entered an independent phase (that I'm actually beginning to enjoy may I add) I've found some shred of a persona that has been cut up to fit with everything else, but with one fully operating observant mind sitting on top.

I'm not stupid and I'll be damned if anyone assumes I'm foolish enough not to see how things are. I do see, I just perhaps haven't been acting as one might expect me to. I've been sweet, forgiving, loving and in general agreement. Now I don't want to remove these traits, but ration them a bit. I don't want to start giving people a piece of my mind either, but instead move myself out of the situation and their opinions whilst I build my persona back up again, start listening to my gut instinct and fuck it if it's wrong because at least I'm doing what I think.

And I seriously doubt I'm wrong anyway.



p.s. It did strike me today that no one gives a damn what I think and perhaps I shouldn't write it all down in a blog. If that's you, what did you read all that for? or, in short, I really couldn't care less because i like writing......