yeah ive been gone for a bit. spending time with the husband and planning a possible trip home.
i got really emotional yesterday.
two kids (i call them kids but they were 26) from my hometown died in iraq last week. separate times but its still a huge deal for everyone back home considering it was 2 from one hometown.
got me thinking about when gabes gonna be deployed...
got me thinking about kids.
and how if i never got the chance to have his child, and something were to happen to him, how id never forgive myself for the rest of my life.
he's a great man and deserves to have offspring.
and i see it as a perminent piece of him that i get to keep no matter what.
so we talked about putting some 'boys on ice' (totally his terminology)
i want to.
he wants to.
does anyone think thats wierd?
we both agreed that we've thought about it and it was nice and so comforting to talk about it openly with eachother yesterday.
but in the back of my head i have a horrible feeling that if we do put some 'boys on ice' that its me losing hope that he'll be okay and survive and saying its okay for him to go... which is not at all how i feel.
im just so worried about this stupid fucking war.
i dont believe in it.
and i feel like id be the person that something bad would happen to.
i wish i could say that i didnt want him to go, but the truth is i do.
for him completely.
he's so gung-ho about this army crap that i know if he served in a time of war and didnt do his part and go overseas and fight...
then he'd be depressed and pissed and feel like crap.
i couldnt do that to him.
i couldnt be that selfish and shove it in his face how i want him to stay here and make him feel horrible for leaving.
i just love him so much and want him to do what makes him happy and whats best for us, but i dont want to lose him.
i dont want to be here without him for that long!
the overwhelming feeling of how its going to be inside the day he leaves and i know im not going to be able to see him for a long time took over last night..
i cried, and realized that im probably going to cry for a week straight when he goes.
maybe more.
im going to have that ball in the back of my throught permanently.
goddamn... this is going to hurt so badly..
i got really emotional yesterday.
two kids (i call them kids but they were 26) from my hometown died in iraq last week. separate times but its still a huge deal for everyone back home considering it was 2 from one hometown.
got me thinking about when gabes gonna be deployed...
got me thinking about kids.
and how if i never got the chance to have his child, and something were to happen to him, how id never forgive myself for the rest of my life.
he's a great man and deserves to have offspring.
and i see it as a perminent piece of him that i get to keep no matter what.
so we talked about putting some 'boys on ice' (totally his terminology)
i want to.
he wants to.
does anyone think thats wierd?
we both agreed that we've thought about it and it was nice and so comforting to talk about it openly with eachother yesterday.
but in the back of my head i have a horrible feeling that if we do put some 'boys on ice' that its me losing hope that he'll be okay and survive and saying its okay for him to go... which is not at all how i feel.
im just so worried about this stupid fucking war.
i dont believe in it.
and i feel like id be the person that something bad would happen to.
i wish i could say that i didnt want him to go, but the truth is i do.
for him completely.
he's so gung-ho about this army crap that i know if he served in a time of war and didnt do his part and go overseas and fight...
then he'd be depressed and pissed and feel like crap.
i couldnt do that to him.
i couldnt be that selfish and shove it in his face how i want him to stay here and make him feel horrible for leaving.
i just love him so much and want him to do what makes him happy and whats best for us, but i dont want to lose him.
i dont want to be here without him for that long!
the overwhelming feeling of how its going to be inside the day he leaves and i know im not going to be able to see him for a long time took over last night..
i cried, and realized that im probably going to cry for a week straight when he goes.
maybe more.
im going to have that ball in the back of my throught permanently.
goddamn... this is going to hurt so badly..
It's good you are talking about things like this openly and honestly. Too many couples live in a state of denial about the hard decisions like this.
Putting his "boys on ice" isn't losing hope, it's just acknowledging that what he does is dangerous and making sure that the worst case scenario is covered.
I have quite a few friends and family members over there right now. My cousin's job every day is to work the checkpoints searching cars coming into baghdad.... it scares me to death just thinking about it.
Its a hard thing to deal with. Just remember that there are a lot of people right here with you <3