blackacidream

so lacking a real social life has brought me back to my brand spank'n new E journal. so i spent my day donig nothing, well, playing a little bass, listening to brotha lynch and playing shining force (a classic sega game). so i just dont really know what exactly am i suppose to be doing right now, but it is kinda depressing to know that if i would have gone to college right out of highschool, i would have a degree, in, uh, well, that is one of the reasons why i'm not in school. besides music, i have no other passion in life, and that passion is not very profitable, especailly when you want to play music that falls into a sub-genre. maybe the reason why i'm pondering this is because just a second ago my roomate bust in after cleaning out his car with a tape of mine i bought when i was 13, morbid angel: domination. so i put it in , and whoa, its toast, another reason why i'm glad magnetic tape is not the standard anymore. but i'm thinking, damn that was 9 years ago and i still remember the day i got that tape, it was at a place called "the warehouse" accross the street from the office i used to clean one the weekends for 7$ a day. i still remember the way the place was setup, this was still when CD's hadnt completly taken over, so there was still a good selection of metal to the front left of the store. i still remember picking domination up, i already had covenent there previous album, that was the first real death metal album i ever owned, and other badass CD i can still mouth the lyrics to, even though i havent listened to it in 3 years. so i picked it up, and went back to work, and listened to it while i dusted and scrubbed for about 4 hours for 7$. the point of this story is that morbid angel and other bands like them are a part of the music i love and want to create. but how often do you even find a morbid angel fan? from 1987 to 1997 there was an explosion in the metal scene, bands like immortal, darkthrone, hypocrisy, incantation, necrophobic, amorphis, death, cannibal corpse, mayhem, marduk, emperor, morbid angel, and countless others created some of the fastes, heaviest music to date, and still held so much substance, and enginuity, yet, a few of these bands mentioned dont even exist anymore, and most would never even know who they were to begin with. so i guess what i'm trying to say is there doesnt seem to be anything else that really brings that kind of passion that music, mainly metal, can bring to me. but i know that you'll never see my face on a magazine, or on TV, hell, i'll be happy if i ever get signed on to relapse records, (one of the greatest metal labels ever) oh ya, i also need a band to even get that far anyway. but fuck it, i'm jaming with a few freinds on the weekends, and maybe someday i will put out a CD with my face in the liner, and play a few shows, but until then i cant help but feel like a complete and utter loser, driving around in a POS 87 honda accord, blasting immortals: sons of nothern darkness as loud as my shitty stock honda speakers will allow. heh, but eather way, i got a few freinds, and a bass guitar, and maybe little enough talent to play it, and in the end, as long as i'm enjoying myself, its all worth it. but thats just what i keep telling myself every day i wake up alone, cold, and just not looking forward to another day of eat, work, drink, sleep. i thought i had it all figured out a 19, i had a girl i loved a good car, i had just started my "real" job at HP. my girl broke off our engagement to go fuck one of my best freinds, a 65 lincoln smashed the back of my car and drove off, and i got layed off from HP and ended up walking 4 miles to work and back in 100 degree heat to a basic construction job. wow, my life went to shit fast, but its better now, but i'm still not happy, maybe i'll figure it out, but until then, i'm going to be waking up every day to that same feeling. the feeling i get when someone ask me "what the fuck is that shit you listen to again? black metal?" which is feeling like i'm going to die without anyone singing a song for me.