black_tar_heroin

*I MADE 6 PIECES IN 2 DAYS..

bah... i was just treated to a lecture on reality...

i fucking hate it when people interget their thoughts about life to me...i just opened a door for a fly, i am pretty sure i have no real firm grip on reality, i use to work in produce, steve some death metal rocker would save flies that fell asleep near the apples..




i really hate blood, i am afriad of blood, when i was little and if i cut myself i would look away and pretend i wasnt bleeding, one time on my 7th birthday i cut my knuckle to the bone trying to open a frozen twinky with a knife the size of my arm..and hide it in my white shorts... my mother took my stupid ass to the H to the O the S to the P to the I to the A to the L.... and i got stitches, still to this day my mom freezes every thing... its bizzzzzzzzzzzzar

i made more art...

JOE AND I TALKED ON AIM..

two world hating bastards shouldnt talk... they make perfect sentences and thought you cant argue with... ugh

i wake up free from a paint hang over only to jump back into again..

this is the Elizabeth River






bah i made some cheap art.. i started the auction at 99cent..
click on the devil and be transported to my amazing cash sucking ebay store!










since i am bored of trying to come up with names i will just steal the names on my buddy list










4 pm FRIDAYMy day.







4 AM
When did popping pills become "cool"?

Hum. I use to think being mentally off was cool. I did this when my "problems" were small and cute.

My phobias increase, I am paralyzed in speech.

I drove my father to the airport. My heart is pumping and my thoughts are intrusive, worthless, they all contradict.

I have a dad that isn't sympathetic.
Same with my mother.

They are like get over it.

I see the world as a prison.

I hate being inside and I am afraid of the outside.

When people talk about their ailments, they beef them up, they are all liars.

I don't turn to popping pills or drinking.

And I am of the idea that if you get fucked up you still like yourself, so I think its a myth when people say I am doing this drug becuase I hate myslef, and if you hated yourself, when bad shit happened to you, you would be ecstatic.

It wont help.

I feel good when I paint and then I just feel like shit the rest of the times.

Driving with my dad was bad, because he thinks I am curled up in a ball because I am unhappy I am not entertaining myself. Yeah, that is fucking macho... I curl up, stick my tongue out, grab my nose, and then flip every button in the car.... Wow aren't my problems cool..

I am a grown man that acts like a damn baby.. that is interesting right?

Blah, it doesn't get better. People cant make me feel better and huffing paint isn't much fun.

My main terror in my 20 min drive was. My dad asking me questions and the embarrassing shit of touching every thing and trying to seem sane, I rarely show my friends, hey I hate living but I fear dying, but its in my head, and I assume they can see it in my eyes, look at my user picture, my eyes, I am dead in there...... weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee