black_tar_heroin

I can be pretty dumb.



I am real fucking dumb. I have bad self esteem and I am afraid of living, I don't make the best friend and I am scared, scared of damn near everything. I am scared of Tylenol, I am afraid of doctors, traffic, talking, driving, living... the future.. fuck half of the time i think i am controlling someone elses life... I think I can't remember the begining of my life..

so i feel like i always was.. not saying i am god..

i use to harbor the childish thought of me being the only person on the planet that god tried to test and everyone else was either dead or fake.. now i think that i am dead and everyone was real..

i was with an old man today trying to get into to Eckard to get slides developed and the door wouldn't open... and i felt like a ghost...

the old man and i talked.. he was nice.. and i normally hate the elderly.. mostly i hate the elderly becuase i have seen old men jerk off... i have seen dying people push themselves to get porno or some sort of female connection.. i have seen the worst of the human urges.. but this man was a bastard.. not one of those old fuckers that plays it safe...

hell he was talking to me and the most anyone says to me is how FUCKING weird i am.. and that is so felt and it isnt by clothes i dont have a mohawk anymore... (since i am too old for one and it feels like i am playing dress up).. nor do i wear anything weird.. but clothes fit everyone odd... my clothes tend to wear me..

I think this is the longest journal entry i have wrote in a long time... but i can admire people who dont play it safe.. and talking to someone that no one wants to acknowledge is nice..

i feel ugly even when a beautiful girl says i am cute.. i still feel like a monster.. and i need to let it go..

i know my personality can be taxing and i try to warn people i will suck the piss out of them..

as my ex of 5 years which i spent almost 8 hours a day with.. finished with the lines of i dont know you... and you drain me.

i went through photos tonight looking for slides of painting and ran into one where i am playing with my cousin's kid and he is dressed like an indian.. and i am looking at him and my old ex is looking at me with complete adoration.

This journal entry has carried to far... my old friend TWENTYTHREE is only going to read it...

Bah.. its a painful time to grow up in 2005...

back when my parents meet around 40 years ago.. it was possible to get married and stay together... i think the best we have it is a couple of years...

i want to get married and fall in love.. i want to not use porn to get closer.. then it is just fucking..

the first girl i had sex with said..

"Michael we are not making love we are just fucking "

and we were both virgins and i was late i was 18 before i had sex.. i was too busy playing videogames to know about girls..

my first tongue kiss.. was when i thought i had my first heart attack.. which was later found out to be a panic attack when i was 17.

and then later that night i found my first girlfiend with another girl which is now a mother..

which is pretty fucking creepy.. and she is the reason i don't really like blonde girls..

She was about 16 and i was 17... we listened to Weezer and she gave me a lot of blow jobs.. and i was so odly Christian i thought sex was wrong..but Weezer and blow jobs were good??? beats me... Her mom hated my guts and hell the woman still hates my guts, if you ever got caught TITTY FUCKING... most likely you will be branded as ultra perverted ..

we broke up and that was that.. i am only thinking about everything and everyone i dated... pictures.. fucking pictures... pictures of people smiling at me and i am smilling at something else..

I tend to sabatoge things.. I hung out with some girl that just really wanted to fuck her name was Carmen.. i dont just FUCK... i cant i was brainwashed to save my fucking for marriage.. i sabatoged it by saying "sex is boring"... and without love sex is boring. I jack off only to go to bed..

I had a dead friend to me say he was too depressed to jack off.. it made sense, i saw him get beaten up by Tiffany.. i suppose he loved getting kicked in the nuts and he was rewarded with something to complain about...

18-22 i think were the best years of my life.. we had a crew.. Joe,Josh, Jaime, Erika, Erin, Chris...

I know i can't recreate it... i remember when clubs seemed new.. i can remember screaming to SOFT CELL.. becuase i fucking hated it.. I can remember Joe throwing piss at his enemies... I can remember when people thought i was sweet and charming and i can remember when Joe said i was so cute it was gross...

Then everything blows up...

then you have to become a different you and you have to kill yourself and move the fuck on...

I am so happy i choose happy times over college..

I am so happy to have friends that would pick on me so hard i wouldnt want emotion..

It was like we were teaching each other not to feel pain..

I think i lost something.. Something which i though couldnt be destroyed.. If you have ever had someone, even if you didnt like them , support you.. and then they vanish... that really hurts.. someone you thought they would be there till the end..

i had my car smashed in and vandalised and my support drop out and had my dad say it was my fault becuase i dress dumb... and then what.. my family my girl then what...

you die and you come back to life..

you might listen to awful music over and over again..

my selection was a man with an overbite... Mr E's broken toy shop.

I moved to Texas with Joe ... the I fell on my face...

then i moved back to Virginia... then became depressed..

depressed enough not to have panic attacks.. I made friends with strippers and i sold fish..then i quit to move in with Joe..

then i sold porno and became depressed.. i watched something like 300 porno film.. in two years... saw things that no one should see and hell at least i could label things as wrong.. but it was easy... it was so damn easy.... had 2 girlfriends there..

one was nuts the other wanted me near her..

I dont think i would date a girl that lived more than 15 min away from me...

15 min is a long drive.

15 min is what i want in fame.

15 min is a long time..

I think the worst part of sex is when you arent having sex.. you wish you could remember the way it felt.. the way your souls shoke hands..

and then all you have is a memory..

that is why i want 15 min away..

i want someone to tap on my window and me to like it..

yet i paint in my garage all night long and no one comes.