Hello my friends, I hope you're all well. As you can tell I don't post too often (I was gone for a while too), it's just not in my nature to put too much of myself out there. I also haven't had much of anything positive to post and didn't want to post a mess of negative crap. But, I'm trying to change some things, since living life the same way without changing doesn't hold much chance of improving the negativity.
I lost my job, a long lousy story, and due to my mental & emotional state am not in much of a position to get a new one these days. But, I am in a position to be more or less retired thanks to years of scrimping and saving. That's a positive I suppose, although it most certainly isn't a wealthy retirement. I've worked since I was 15 (51 now) so this is weird for me and messing with my head.
I've lost a number of relatives and other loved ones in the last 3 years or so (none Covid related as I might have expected) and as you may know, this tends to bring out either the best or worst in people. Unfortunately it's the latter with a number of people in my life. My Dad has gotten into a seriously dysfunctional relationship with someone I'm certain is after his house and money, but he won't hear it. Since my Mom has been gone it's mainly fallen to me to try to keep the family working and, especially with the last development, that's mostly a lost cause. There's plenty more, but this is enough for now.
Along with some health conditions I also have Major Depression and anxiety disorders, with some OCD as the cherry on top. I went without care for a while (see above mentioned job shite) and went off my meds. I had a serious health scare last year and am back on the meds and have a doctor again. I still have the same therapist and psych I've had for years and they've been invaluable.
I bring the meds and therapy up for a reason. For anyone who's bothered to read this far (thank you), please let me say that it is worth it to do these things. YOU are worth it. I don't generally tell people, but the meds, psych, and therapist are why I'm still here. That and not wanting to put my sister and Dad through hell. I'm not being melodramatic or engaging in hyperbole when I tell you it's an almost daily struggle to stay here, with a couple of close calls only my psych and therapist know about.
I'll never tell you what to do (I hate that shit), but I would encourage you to ask for help if you feel like you're getting to that point. You might think your loved ones would be better off without you, (Jebus knows I think it a lot), but I'm willing to bet they'd tell you otherwise.
I know this is a long, not very uplifting post, so thanks for reading. As I said, I'm trying to do some things differently. Being a little more open is one of them. I also hope that saying these things might help someone else.
If life is good for you, and I hope it is, that's awesome! If it isn't, please try to believe that you're worthy of care and help.
Best wishes to everyone, and here's hoping this year is a good year. Or that we can help one another make it a little better!
