bionicfemme

So Onefoolishline and I went to an interpretive dance performance and then snuck cheap liquor into the movies to watch X-Men 2. We used our beguiling charms to get free video game credits from the guys in charge of the arcade. It's really funny, everytime we go out, guys give us hella free shit. I think it's all Onefoolishline's doing, but whateva. We played dance dance revolution and made asses of ourselves. She yelled, "Gaaaah you're kicking my ass" and I said "Yeah only because I like, LIVE at gay man clubs!" So then we drank mudslides in the movies, I ate pound cake and she ate a stick of beef, and then we deduced that we were indeed hicks. May I just say that X-men is the best saga EVER? I was totally obsessed with them when I was younger and Rogue has always been my favorite character.

She was always my fave not only because she was hot and Southern, but because she couldn't touch anyone. I used to not be able to touch anyone before either. My grandma died when I touched her when I was barely a teenager and for years afterwards I couldn't touch people because I was afraid I would hurt them. Sometimes when people would touch me, I would tremble. I had flashbacks and panic attacks of her dying in front of me. I had to go to therapy because I was so frigid with boys, and then we found out I really didn't like boys at all. So then I was gay. But then I was still frigid, and still trembled with the first girls I dated. I was hypnotized into "normalcy" with EMDR (Rapid Eye Movement Desensitization). Since then, I have been horny to excess, I think it may have something to do with the procedure.

So in the X-Men, I got interested watching Mystique and thinking about the process of shape-shifting...I have had to develop so many tactics to survive all the abusive shit i've been through in my life, from family members and lovers, and my main tactic has been to shape-shift or disappear. There are at least 20 different women living inside me. I keep them trapped within a cage constructed of blood and bone. Some are cruel and cunning, some are vicious and hateful. Some are valiant and noble and pure. Some are chaste. Some are whores. I made myself into a new woman every time to escape the bad things. If you become someone new...maybe those things in the past never happened to you. It isn't coincidence that every other week I change the true color of my eyes.

I keep the women buried within. I only let one out at a time. With a friend. Especially with a lover.

Do you realize that only one of them keeps this journal?

And the greatest tactic of all is the disappearing act...I know what I am showing you is just one of the twenty. When badly hurt, I have been known to drop out of people's lives without a second glance. To just disappear completely without a goodbye. When I do it consciously I feel nothing.

Maybe soon, it will be time to disappear again.