bionicfemme

AUDREY IS A WHORE!!! As of now, I am the most drunk I have ever been in my life. I can't walk talk, or think straight. SG's Tiffy helped me home safely; without her, I think I would not have been able to get home alright. She took me back to her house, the darling. On the bus ride home, I loudly slurred my life story to someone I didn't know.

So I met Audrey at the club. She emerged, and was very obviously much worse of a woman than I ever expected her to be. As soon as she met me, she said hello, led me into the bar, bought me a drink, then refused to even look at me or speak to me, as though I wasn't good looking enough to earn her time. I kept trying to start a conversation, I would say, "Are you alright?" "Are you mad?" "Did I fit your high standards? I'm between 20-40 and I live within 500 miles of you..." She remained silent, and looked at me with disgust, if she looked at me at all. I became angry. She might not have thought I looked as pretty in real life as my webcam picture, but she also was not nearly as pretty as the picture she put on Salon.com. Her mean, permanently bitchy facial expression did little for her pale Burnsian stature.

In the midst of this, Tiffy appeared, with a smile that brightened the club. She said "Are you the Bionic Femme?" and I said "God bless you Tiffy, this is turning out horribly, it's not even as funny as I thought it would be..." So Tiffy followed me at a distance in the club, my faithful SG guardian.

So after a couple of drinks Audrey loosened up and began to speak, although she still didn't have much to say. The following memorable conversations took place,

"Are you a confused drunk, honey?" -Me
"What?" -Audrey
"YES!" -Me
"What the fuck! What the hell am I supposed to say to that question...*wait five minutes*...*wait five minutes*..Am I supposed to say yes or something?" -Audrey
"Well...you could make a decision and say NO! No, i'm not a confused drunk!" -Me

"Do you play pac-man?" -Me
"Hell no." -Audrey
"Oh that's right, you're Jewish, you play with a motherfuckin dredel." -Me
"Hahaha!" -Audrey
"Did you think I had a good Jewish name?" -Me
"Yeah, like that chick that got turned to salt or something?" -Audrey
"Actually...no. That was Lot's wife. I'm not named after that chick at all. I'm named after someone completely different." -Me
"That's because you read the Christian Bible" -Audrey
"IT'S IN THE OLD TESTAMENT!!! YOU SUCK AS A JEW!!!!" -Me

"Did you just turn 21? Or are you turning 22?" -Audrey
"Hmm. You don't need to know that." -Me
"If you don't tell me, you'll get a spanking." -Audrey
"Don't expect me to tell you now." -Me

"You asumed you were going to sleep with me tonight. Didn't you think I would turn you down?" -Me
"You assume I was going to go through with it." -Audrey
"Don't ever, EVER think you have me that easily." -Me

We began to have these long sessions where we would stare into each other's eyes and it was kind of romantic. When it would get too intense she would wink, in a cute, sly way and go back to sipping her vodka. I feel stupid admitting this: sometimes I like older women because I like how they coddle me, but sometimes I don't like to be patronized either. She kept calling me "Miss 21" and rubbing it in my face that I was so young. I kissed her a little, but now I think I should gargle with Lysol in the hopes I don't contract SARS.

AND THEN EVERYTHING BLEW UP IN MY FACE.

We got on the dance floor, near the mini stage where a mohawked punk woman danced. She promptly went up to Audrey and affectionally rubbed her crotch all over her face. Audrey got on stage and let the woman straddle her. I folded my arms and glared upwards, a hot-headed little tart. "What's wrong Miss 21?" Relax, baby! Let's dance with her. Two is better than one." She'd say. "Fuck that! If that's the case i'll find someone else to dance with." I said. "Watch my things" She instructed. She went over and had mohawk buy her a drink. I stood by. She danced with other women. Then she went over to some blonde woman and freaked her, right in front of me. Tiffy came up. "Tiffy, I don't like this." I said. "I'm supposed to be her little bag girl while she dances with everyone in the club in front of me? If she kisses that blonde woman, we're leaving."

She dipped her long, serpentine tongue into the blonde woman's mouth. They started making out.

At that moment, I became filled with immense hatred at myself. I wanted control. I wanted to be irresponsibly beautiful like Audrey was. I wanted to be able to own any woman in the club and not care what the consequences were. I thought I was strong enough and sexy enough to take on a 27 year old coke addict femme model, but I failed. But then I came to a realization:

I might not be the better slut. But I will ALWAYS BE THE BETTER BITCH.

"Let's leave her here, Tiffy." I said. "She drove all the way to SF from San Jose. She's drunk beyond belief. I don't know how she's getting home, but I don't care."

I left her behind without saying goodbye. She didn't notice. If I would have found her purse I would have taken all of her money. Ok maybe not but it would have been funny!

And I don't care what she thinks of me. She might think she is beautiful because she's a model, but I'm a model just like she is. We are equal. Her shallow, inhumane personality makes the ugliest creature I have ever seen.

I thought I would never find love, but now I realize it is people like her that are so horrible to other human beings and so ugly inside who will suffer. They won't ever find love because they don't know what compassion is.

I apologize, for ever wanting to be a coldhearted bitch-slut. Seeing Audrey filled me with horror. She was a very terrible person. (As Tiffy named her, the coke-slut). I am drawn to her power, but don't ever want to be that horrid of a creature. It doesn't matter.

Tonight, she lost the most beautiful lesbian in all of San Francisco.