I have been too hard on this city and the lesbians in it. The documentary today that I was in was a lot of fun, we went all over Castro and The Mission and showed the camerawoman where the grrls are. We filmed the front of the first lesbian bar I ever snuck into *sniff! wiping tear from eye*. You know, I feel guilty for bagging on SF and the lesbian scene so much. I'm starting to fit in more now and I think I was wrong to be so ungrateful to the city I live in. I fell in love with San Francisco all over again.

Towards the end of the documentary, we went to the apartment of two friends of Jana's. They are two Hispanic women that have been together for 3 years, they started talking online and one came all the way from Panama to be with the other one who lived here in the Bay Area. A true online romance fairy tale. They seem so happy together and their apartment is this wonderful, spacious and tastefully decorated place in The Castro. They have two cats named Lezzie and Rainbow. They still call each other "baby" and are very much in love.

You know what? I still want that. And fuck all this shit i've been saying about becoming the next Eminem. I don't know how to handle women or what to try next in dating, but I don't think being an asshole will solve anything. No matter how much I huff and puff and try to act like a jerk, I will always want the life that I saw those two girls living. Being at their house reminded me of what I still really want. No matter how much I pretend I will always want what I saw today. It's part of me, as sure as my bones and blood and skin. Through and through. It might be impossible to get but fuck it, I still have to try.

I tried to call the girl i'm talking to tonight but she wasn't home. Um, her voice on her answering machine makes her sound like a guy. Is she a guy? Please say she isn't a guy. The only way my dating stories could get any worse would be if she was a guy. I've already hit on a chick that turned out to be a guy once at a poetry slam and it was rather embarassing. So I quickly said on her answering machine, "Buuhhh, hi, this is The Bionic Femme from online, I couldn't get a hold of you so i'll try to call you tomorrow. Have a good night!"

THE BIONIC FEMME? I DIDN'T EVEN SAY MY REAL NAME!!!! LOLOLOL. Well, I refuse to give her any personal info until I find out who she really is. Sigh.

The things I do to try to fulfill the fantasy where I cuddle with some chick on a rainy day drinking chai. God I am an ass.

WHOA! THIS JUST IN!!!! SOMEONE CALLED ME AT 3 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING SAYING THAT ONE OF MY FRIENDS RECOMMENDED MY SPINNING TALENTS TO THEM. I AM GOING TO PLAY MY FIRST GIG NEXT FRIDAY!!!! FOR ONE DOLLAR!!!