bionicfemme

Cheerio, old chap! I'm moved in! My hamster looks traumatized from the move, she was pretty scared. I'm surrounded by boxes of crap right now and don't know where to start. Visited my friend T.J., we ordered Chinese food and talked about life. She told me i've changed drastically in the past few months, I think she's right. I used to be so chaotic and outspoken, screaming and laughing and charging into everything headfirst. Now i'm quiet and shy, maybe even a little lost. I think N has done this to me, someone gave me an article on abused housewives and I fit like 8 of the 10 symptoms. I think things will get better in time, but for now I just need to heal. T.J. said "You're at peace, but you're sad...I think you've become a tiny bit jaded like everybody else...don't you see it baby? You've opened Pandora's box."

Maybe my defenses have risen a bit, but I am not vengeful like the other 30,000 dykes in SF. I won't cheat on the next girl or treat her like shit because i'm "afraid of being vulnerable" or any of that bull. When I say what I say, I mean it, I don't go halfway on anything. If I love you i'll be good to you until the day you push me away. And on that day it'll be all your own fault, and I won't even have to punish you to make you see what you've lost. There's a reason every ex i've had has grovelled for me back and as much as i've wanted to, i've never taken one back. Again, I never go halfway on anything. If it's over, it's over.

Have any of you felt a certain way? Lately, I feel like each day I become more of a strange woman in the mirror, like I don't know myself anymore. I haven't felt this way since I was 16. Lately I struggle with Kantian ethics in myself. If only I can become the ultimate evil, I will become the greatest good. But what is good to a population of evil? What is good if it is only self-beneficial? Are the people who perceive your good or evil illusions, does it matter if you become evil just like them? If I become an unfeeling, jaded slut, will I become the greatest good, will I be what every woman wants or needs, or will I become what I want to be? Powerful, capable? Heartless? I don't know. What would it be like to be that seductive and despotic, would it be fulfilling? I wonder. In the end, I don't think I could ever move past foot scuffling and strawberry milkshake love, but I wonder what would happen if I did. If I would break the hearts of girls I liked. If I would feel anything afterwards. I wonder if doing suicidegirls would be like opening another Pandora's box.