bionicfemme

Today was a good day.

There was an open house event at a community center for lesbians 23 and under, I went and saw almost every girl from school there. A lot of them worked for the center as interns. They were all really nice to me and we hung out, and i'm going to try writing for the zine the community center publishes. They're looking for creative writers.

I sat on the roof of the house and looked at all of the girls from school sitting around on the sidewalk and talking. It suddenly occured to me why we never really got along.

I think it had to do with us discovering ourselves. I am the oldest dyke at school, as well as the one who has been out for the longest amount of time. I saw many of them before they came out, as well as after, when I was a security guard for the dorm. Maybe they were intimidated by me. I have found that many of them have grown and matured tremendously, and I am happy to see them with the girlfriends they searched for. So many of them have adult faces now, they have lost their babyishness. I have too. I now look at least three years older after Natalie.

I didn't really know myself either when we first met. I was a loud, obnoxious clubkid with purple hair who blared hard house on the office stereo everyday and made out with girls I didn't know who never called me back. I was fierce and brazen. I told anyone I was a flaming homo and didn't give a flying fuck. I was very flirtatious.

That cockyness faded when I met Natalie. She made me feel ashamed of everything I was, and hateful that I could not be better. Every day I tried to force myself to be a better girlfriend, more romantic, better in bed, prettier, funnier, but it was never good enough, she always criticized me. I cut her loose before I lost it all. One of my friends told me I was becoming unstable dating her, that I was resentful and that I was crying every time he saw me. She even hurt me when we had sex by ramming herself straight up into me and not bending her fingers. But I always blamed that on my own inexperience.

After her, I was hurt and empty, I was not confident and I was so jaded. But I was calm. There is always calm after the storm.

Now that the other lesbians have weathered their hardships, I think we are all calm now. I think I make them less nervous now that they see I am not really as cocky and shallow as they originally thought. I wasn't cocky and shallow, I just liked partying and was running away from anything that required introspective contemplation.

I think they see who I really am now.

It makes me happy that we are friends and that they are sure of themselves enough now to not be afraid of me. One of them who helped put the party together came up to me, hugged me and said, "Thank you for coming. It means a lot to me."

I bought Bjork's greatest hits today which is definitely going on my top 10 fave cd's list of all time. It is great daydreaming music. I couldn't stop thinking about Grrlhavoc and how she is the sweetest and most mature girl I have ever had the pleasure to talk to. Things are different with her, she doesn't hurt me like the other girls i've met. I am not used to this and I like it a lot. I don't have to be afraid of her getting angry at me or insulting me. She is supportive and enjoys my writing. She's easy to talk to.

I grow more fond of her every day.