bionicfemme

Influences:
1 Mail order bride mother
1 Father obsessed with cryogenics a la Doctor Evil
1/3rd of life spent in ghettos of San Francisco, living on the same floor of the building that three drug induced murders occurred in
1/3rd of life spent in the suburbs of Kansas with rich and high class sitcom families
1/3rd of life spent in small conservative farm town in California

I thought about these things today, how they shaped who I am. It all of a sudden occurred to me in class that I have had a very odd, unique set of happenings in my life that makes me drastically different from everybody else.

When I was young, growing up in the ghettos, my dad never talked to me like I was a child or like I was a girl. He talked to me like I was an adult male. My mom said our family doctor told her to put me in a preschool asap because I was using words like "indubitably" and didn't know how to play or dream.

And I did not understand why girls could not play games like boys. Or even with the boys.

I was rocketed to Kansas on a plane by myself at 6. Wearing a small yellow sundress, wandering around an airport by myself looking for the woman I was supposed to live with for 2 weeks that turned into nearly six months every year for the next 8 years. I played with my grandparents' dog and talked to squirrels. Kids in Kansas looked different from me.

I did not understand why their parents did not want them playing with a "gook." I did not know what a "gook" was. I did not know why they did not like black people. I did not know why they did not feel pity for poor people. I did not know why they used the words "icebox" and "soda pop." I did not know why my parents did not want me like other kids' parents wanted them.

Years later, I was a teenage girl in a Christian school. Gays were attempting to start a conspiracy with Mormons and other deviants, (as well as the Chinese) to get us to not believe in Jesus. Men were men and women were women. Men were rough, hardy, did all the thinkin'. Women curled their hair and talked about marrying youth pastors. They were pretty. I was not. I thought women were nicer to look at than boys.

And I did not understand why girls could not play games like boys.

I thought, today, about how much I hated myself growing up for being "weird" and not fitting in. Now I realize I never fit in not because I had a problem, but because I never understood the rules I was supposed to play by, and the reasonings behind them.

I don't do well following boundaries. Maybe because I don't have a need for them. And I think the grass is greener on all other sides.

What do people mean when they say you need to find yourself? They mean that you should be able to clearly identify what it is you enjoy doing and stick with other people who like doing/supporting/being those things.

Is that finding yourself?

Or categorizing yourself?