bionicfemme

I am thinking about my dad's visit today and how we both ended up crying over the terrible things that have happened between us.

This month has been very important for me. I'm learning how to forgive. This is a big step for me, because usually when I am betrayed or hurt, you have made an enemy of me for life. Up until this month, I have never forgiven someone who has wronged me. Now I have forgiven Natalie, and instead of remembering her as a horrible monster, I can remember the nice things about my first girlfriend. Now I have forgiven my father, and instead of remembering him as a horrible self-seeking asshole, I can see the good still left in him. At least he is trying to apologize and make things right.

My father...he was in an insane stupor, rambling and saying things about dead bodies (he claims to know where some important dead bodies are secretly buried, I don't know if he means metaphorically or what) and God sending him voices in his head (normally a hardcore atheist, he now says God sent him his father's voice to give him direction and he hears it). He rambled and said, "Favorability equals love, love equals money. Don't you see? Love equals money. Love equals money."

I shut my mouth tightly, holding back the tears that wanted to spring forth from hearing such a horrible statement.

"No, it does not. It really does not." I said.

"I know i've been a horrible father to you but...I gave you money. I sent child support! Money is love...right?"

"That's a terrible thing to say." I said. And then I started crying.

And so did he.

I don't like talking to my father when he is crazy. When he talks about secret dead bodies and disembodied voices, he scares me. Am I weak for saying that? When my dad talks to me that way, it is one of the only things that truly terrifies me. I try to be patient and listen to him, because he has problems and needs someone to talk to, but it scares the shit out of me.

I don't like thinking about my crazy father and knowing that as usual, I have to deal with this shit alone. There are so many conflicting emotions. I am terrified of him. Part of me pseudo-loves him. The other part wants to truly love him. Part of me feels guilty for not loving him more.

I want to run. Just once. To some girl. Knock her over to the floor with a hug, kiss her violently and scatter my tears all over her face.

I have to finish my finals and get the fuck out of SF.