EXOTIC EROTIC ADVENTURE!!!! Holy ST. FRANCIS I just had the weirdest 2 hours EVER...had to hurry up and get online to share! It's a long story but TOTALLY FUCKING WORTH IT.
I'm at the counter, talking with my friend the Barista, when a guy with one tuft of pink hair approaches.
"Hi, my name is Brandon. We shall probably never see each other again, but I had to tell you that YOU ARE THE HOTTEST WOMAN I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE." -"Brandon"
"Thank you. You're adorable yourself. Cute hair. Rock on, bro." -Me
"Teeheehee, thank you" -Brandon, running away blushing like a schoolboy
I sat at a table sipping my Eggnog latte when the boy came back.
"Uh...there weren't any flowers around, so I drew you one!" -Brandon, handing me picture of daisy drawn with fat red marker
"Thanks, cutie!" -Me
Then SHE approaches. You don't understand. I consistenly have this daydream that my dream woman walks into my cafe and we talk and click instantly, only I don't quite know what she looks like, but i'll know it when I see her. So SHE comes in, a tall goth in a black checkered skirt with ruffles and clear, blue beautiful eyes that make you think of frickin' Dentyne Ice commercials. I realized she was the hottest girl i'd ever seen at the cafe, and that i'd risk looking dumb if she happened to be straight. Stopped to calculate how many prisoners I was taking..counted ZERO!!!
So I went up and told her she had a cute skirt, which she claimed she purchased for $4.75.
"Can you hold on for a sec? My photographer is coming, we're having a meeting. I'm a MODEL, we're working on an upcoming shoot." -Her
"Uh, OK." -Me
"I want to talk to you afterwards...I think you're gorgeous..." -Her
"Uhh..uhhuhhhh OK!" -Me, voice cracking like 12 year old boy
So I waited until her photographer left...wouldn't you know it? She had been scouted by someone from Suicidegirls but declined, or so she claimed. She is DEFINITELY SG material. Anyway, we talked for such a long time...she was hilariously funny and very open-minded, very wise. I couldn't stop staring at those beautiful blue eyes of hers. (And she knew that Brandon guy that just hit on me...weird!) I think I nearly had a heartattack from realizing I was actually flirting with an activist model, who was my dream woman, and that she seemed to be digging on me too. She even said, "Please don't think anything of me because i'm a model...I think most models are fucking stupid, and I actually have political opinions." I wanted to say, "Don't worry, you had me at hello!" I somehow brought up the issue of clubbing and she said that she sometimes went to the Cafe...I gleefully turned to my friend the Barista and bit my lip. Could she TRULY be a homosexual???
Suddenly, she said she had to go home, but that she wanted my number because she liked me. And then I thought "Jesus Christ! My number? Take my frickin' hand in marriage!" But then she said, "We have to hang out before I go home for winter break...I so have to get laid. There is a serious straight man shortage in SF. All I get are girls."
I folded my arms, offended. "That's not so bad."
"I love making out with girls SO much" She said, and paused to look directly at me, with a smile. "But I want girls up here (pointing to head) and boys down here (points to crotch.)"
"Oh." I said, looking away.
"I want to see you again. You have the eyes of a tiger" She said. She looked into my eyes, and I watched her slink out the door. And all I could think was "It's a damn shame that such a pretty mouth can say such ugly words."
"She's like all the others, isn't she?" -The Barista
"Yes." -Me
"You won't find love in this city. That's about the best you can get. I'm sorry." -The Barista
"Who cares, I'm accepting the fact girls only want to keep me as their bitch. Whatever." -Me
Walked on my way home, looking up at the sky and wondering why I have to be SF's resident lesbo-ho when i'm ready for something serious. No offense to bi girls, but STOP TORTURING ME WITH YOUR HOTNESS! I'm SO tired of bi girls saying, "Yeah, uh, I just like to grab girls' asses and make out with them, as long as my boyfriend says it's OK." The next time a bi girl uses me to get some guy's attention I swear to God I will vomit all over her shoes.
A chick outside of a bar saw my forlorn look.
"What's up? Come into our bar. We need hot girls to attract a crowd for my friend's band" -The lady
"Hot?" -Me
"Come in, come in, get your mind off of what you're thinking of so hard." -The lady
"I'm not 21..." -Me
**Looks at school ID of me when I was 18** "Oh, I see you're 21! Go in, go in! Shhh!!!" -The lady
So I was ushered into this secret bar and saw this terrific band play that sounded just like Radiohead. After about 30 minutes I turned to leave for the door.
"Where are you going??? Come back!!!" -The lead singer, dropping his microphone onto the stage and chasing me out the door
"Uhhh...I gotta go?" -Me
"Don't go. Please. You're the hottest girl i've ever seen in my life. Can I have your number? Please, if anything, please please PLEASE let me be your friend?" -Singer
"Hahahaha...ok....let me get YOUR number, i'm moving." -Me
"Ok...what's your name?" -Singer
"Veronica." -Me
**Gives me number** "Will you at least let me be your friend?" -Singer
"Yeah...sure...never can have too many of those, eh? Call you later." -Me
At this point, I was totally confused. I physically ran to the nearest bus to get home because I was concerned that I was going to be hit by a car or that the world was going to end. Two numbers and a picture of a flower in 2 hours of just getting coffee and walking down the street. You don't understand. Some weird cosmic force is off balance, things like that just don't happen. I prolly get hit on, like, three times a YEAR much less in two hours wearing regular clothes.
Tomorrow the apocalypse is upon us. The end of the world is at hand...either that or i'm secreting some sort of weird pheromone that attracts people...IT'S MY COCONUT BODY BUTTER!!!!!
I'm at the counter, talking with my friend the Barista, when a guy with one tuft of pink hair approaches.
"Hi, my name is Brandon. We shall probably never see each other again, but I had to tell you that YOU ARE THE HOTTEST WOMAN I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE." -"Brandon"
"Thank you. You're adorable yourself. Cute hair. Rock on, bro." -Me
"Teeheehee, thank you" -Brandon, running away blushing like a schoolboy
I sat at a table sipping my Eggnog latte when the boy came back.
"Uh...there weren't any flowers around, so I drew you one!" -Brandon, handing me picture of daisy drawn with fat red marker
"Thanks, cutie!" -Me
Then SHE approaches. You don't understand. I consistenly have this daydream that my dream woman walks into my cafe and we talk and click instantly, only I don't quite know what she looks like, but i'll know it when I see her. So SHE comes in, a tall goth in a black checkered skirt with ruffles and clear, blue beautiful eyes that make you think of frickin' Dentyne Ice commercials. I realized she was the hottest girl i'd ever seen at the cafe, and that i'd risk looking dumb if she happened to be straight. Stopped to calculate how many prisoners I was taking..counted ZERO!!!
So I went up and told her she had a cute skirt, which she claimed she purchased for $4.75.
"Can you hold on for a sec? My photographer is coming, we're having a meeting. I'm a MODEL, we're working on an upcoming shoot." -Her
"Uh, OK." -Me
"I want to talk to you afterwards...I think you're gorgeous..." -Her
"Uhh..uhhuhhhh OK!" -Me, voice cracking like 12 year old boy
So I waited until her photographer left...wouldn't you know it? She had been scouted by someone from Suicidegirls but declined, or so she claimed. She is DEFINITELY SG material. Anyway, we talked for such a long time...she was hilariously funny and very open-minded, very wise. I couldn't stop staring at those beautiful blue eyes of hers. (And she knew that Brandon guy that just hit on me...weird!) I think I nearly had a heartattack from realizing I was actually flirting with an activist model, who was my dream woman, and that she seemed to be digging on me too. She even said, "Please don't think anything of me because i'm a model...I think most models are fucking stupid, and I actually have political opinions." I wanted to say, "Don't worry, you had me at hello!" I somehow brought up the issue of clubbing and she said that she sometimes went to the Cafe...I gleefully turned to my friend the Barista and bit my lip. Could she TRULY be a homosexual???
Suddenly, she said she had to go home, but that she wanted my number because she liked me. And then I thought "Jesus Christ! My number? Take my frickin' hand in marriage!" But then she said, "We have to hang out before I go home for winter break...I so have to get laid. There is a serious straight man shortage in SF. All I get are girls."
I folded my arms, offended. "That's not so bad."
"I love making out with girls SO much" She said, and paused to look directly at me, with a smile. "But I want girls up here (pointing to head) and boys down here (points to crotch.)"
"Oh." I said, looking away.
"I want to see you again. You have the eyes of a tiger" She said. She looked into my eyes, and I watched her slink out the door. And all I could think was "It's a damn shame that such a pretty mouth can say such ugly words."
"She's like all the others, isn't she?" -The Barista
"Yes." -Me
"You won't find love in this city. That's about the best you can get. I'm sorry." -The Barista
"Who cares, I'm accepting the fact girls only want to keep me as their bitch. Whatever." -Me
Walked on my way home, looking up at the sky and wondering why I have to be SF's resident lesbo-ho when i'm ready for something serious. No offense to bi girls, but STOP TORTURING ME WITH YOUR HOTNESS! I'm SO tired of bi girls saying, "Yeah, uh, I just like to grab girls' asses and make out with them, as long as my boyfriend says it's OK." The next time a bi girl uses me to get some guy's attention I swear to God I will vomit all over her shoes.
A chick outside of a bar saw my forlorn look.
"What's up? Come into our bar. We need hot girls to attract a crowd for my friend's band" -The lady
"Hot?" -Me
"Come in, come in, get your mind off of what you're thinking of so hard." -The lady
"I'm not 21..." -Me
**Looks at school ID of me when I was 18** "Oh, I see you're 21! Go in, go in! Shhh!!!" -The lady
So I was ushered into this secret bar and saw this terrific band play that sounded just like Radiohead. After about 30 minutes I turned to leave for the door.
"Where are you going??? Come back!!!" -The lead singer, dropping his microphone onto the stage and chasing me out the door
"Uhhh...I gotta go?" -Me
"Don't go. Please. You're the hottest girl i've ever seen in my life. Can I have your number? Please, if anything, please please PLEASE let me be your friend?" -Singer
"Hahahaha...ok....let me get YOUR number, i'm moving." -Me
"Ok...what's your name?" -Singer
"Veronica." -Me
**Gives me number** "Will you at least let me be your friend?" -Singer
"Yeah...sure...never can have too many of those, eh? Call you later." -Me
At this point, I was totally confused. I physically ran to the nearest bus to get home because I was concerned that I was going to be hit by a car or that the world was going to end. Two numbers and a picture of a flower in 2 hours of just getting coffee and walking down the street. You don't understand. Some weird cosmic force is off balance, things like that just don't happen. I prolly get hit on, like, three times a YEAR much less in two hours wearing regular clothes.
Tomorrow the apocalypse is upon us. The end of the world is at hand...either that or i'm secreting some sort of weird pheromone that attracts people...IT'S MY COCONUT BODY BUTTER!!!!!
VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
I think you would be delicious toasted, on a big chocolate donut.