bionicfemme

Can't explain the feeling I feel...if I was a mother and my only son had died and then I saw a boy identical to him walking down the street, that would be the only way I could describe this emotion.

She gave me a yellow rose...yellow for friendship. And she didn't try to hit on me, which was good. She has definitely grown up. Before, she used to always have this sad, depressed look in her eyes, like she wanted to die. Now, she looks more pensive than depressed. Maybe she looked that way because she was with me and she knew she should have been with Heather...I guess being with me would be a fate worse than death, since nobody wants to do it. She used to carry herself in such a cocky, brash way, knowing she was beautiful, but now she seems balanced and humble. And less preppy, which is always good.

We laughed and talked about things and marvelled over her little niece, who constantly babbled and dreamed, the darling. She's a beautiful little girl who will be a beautiful woman when she grows up.

It was just like old times, only we didn't hold hands, and she didn't grab my ass every five minutes. But occasionally, when we would go into a store and I would be at the other end of it, I would look up and see her checking me out, only to turn away quickly.

I still have my code of honor. She's with Heather. I play by the rules, even when I shouldn't. And we made fun of things and cracked up laughing at stupid shit just like we always did. We went for ice cream and she paid for me; I almost wanted to say, "Wait, you don't have to do that" but then I remembered the shit she put me through and thought "Yes. Hell yes you do!"

She brought me home playing "Everlong" by the Foo Fighters in the car. It was our song.

I got out of the car and we hugged; out of force of habit, she looked like she was going to kiss my neck, so I backed away and put distance between us, giving her an "attaboy" pat on the shoulder. She returned the gesture.

While walking away she yelled, "Don't break any hearts now!" I rolled my eyes. "I...won't!" I hollered back.

She's still beautiful and it's weird to ride home in the same back seat you fucked in.

I severely hate my life. I want her to be happy with Heather, I want Heather to be happy with her. They are supposed to be together; although we click well I know they click better. Still doesn't change the fact I severely hate my life.

And God, thanks man. Thanks for letting HER get the happy ending after putting me and so many other women through such bullshit, while I get to sit on my ass alone for the rest of my life.

I miss her and I love her and I hate the anger and self destructiveness building inside me. I want to believe someone will hold me like that again, I want to believe so many things. I can't move on. Move on to where?

If something doesn't change soon...I won't be able to live this way. I can't stand the physical pain I feel each day recounting our memories and knowing that it was so hard to find her, that it might not happen again.

I'm broken. I've been smashed into a thousand pieces. And each day a new piece chips off. I'm losing control.