bionicfemme

So I talked to her and...I am glad that I called. We had a good long 3 hour or so conversation whereby we straightened everything out. I feel at peace now, so does she. I don't hate her anymore. She is still with her first girlfriend, Heather, who she's been on and off with for a 3 1/2 years. She apologized for everything she'd ever done and said she'd grown up a lot in the past 7 months. I believe it. She seems to be completely different; she didn't even try to hit on me at all. And I think it was because after our fights, after i'd annihilated her in our post-break up madness, she saw I could be an intimidating girl, that I had more bite than bark for such a small thing, that I wasn't the plaything she'd originally made me out to be.

"Sexual healing?" Try "I will survive."

She admitted that she was selfish, that she was just out for fun, but that when she realized she was falling in love with me, it scared her, and that's when things turned to shit. She said, "I remember why I freaked out so bad the day you told me you were falling in love with me...I knew it was because I felt the same way about you too and I was scared." Hahahhahahaha
hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...........

"I wish I hadn't hurt you, i'm so, so sorry that I made you jaded. I broke your heart and I was horrible to you. Please forgive me." -Her

"Thank you for admitting that. I forgive you. But I myself don't know where i'll go from here. I feel like I have to run and I don't even know where i'll go on to. I'm trapped." -Me

"You will love someone again someday, I promise. Be more careful next time who you give your heart to." -Her

"Oh, that is the saddest thing," I whispered. "I can't. I don't feel anything anymore." -Me

"Sweetie! Don't say that, ok? Someone will captivate you again. You'll know someday, you'll know." -Her

I'm glad videophones haven't been invented yet, because if they were she would have seen a couple of tears that I wish would not have been there.

I don't know why, but whenever anyone says, "Someday you'll be a big girl, a big big girl, and you'll grow up and know all about love" it makes me cry uncontrollably. Fuck "Your Mama" jokes. That statement is the worst joke of all. I'm starting a contest. 10th caller who calls me and says that gets an all expense paid trip to Hell.

So we talked about her and Heather and I wished them well and hoped for the best for them. Damn Karma, It obviously doesn't exist because if it did, I would get a chance at dating somebody sane for more than 2 days.

I do I do I do want to be a big big girl and have romance with a plate of cookies and a tall frosty glass of milk. If I finish all of my arithmetic problems in time, can I have some?

Fight or fly adrenaline with pouts and fists packing heat
to
your
lips

So I wished her the best.
I wished her the best because everyone ends up with their first girlfriend forever in the lesbian dating circle.
Too bad I happened to be a ho and not a girlfriend.
Too bad genuinely falling for me scared the shit out of her.

That's why I want everyone to shut the fuck up when they say i'll find someone someday. Do you want to know why I won't? Because when people fall in love with me they realize i'm the real deal. I don't cheat and I don't lie. And once you take the red pill, you can't go back. So when someone falls in love with me, they get scared and they run.

And that makes me cry.

And when someone tells me "I loved you, I loved you so much, but I had to stop myself because of [insert X reason here]" it is LITERALLY like poking both of my eyes out with flaming hot pokers.

DAMMIT! Why is my honesty hideous? Why am I perpetually a beast?

I cry out for retribution and receive only the same regurgitated lies, only now I am so emotionally castrated that I no longer feel anything. Is there a Viagra for impotent hope?

I hope she and Heather stay together forever.

If God is so intent on smiting me, he should do it quick and get it over with. This living death and the consistent mutilation of my sanity only make things more difficult. Make a choice, God. Give me a way out or just out me. Don't make me a joke. I'm not cybernetic like fucking 7 of 9 on Voyager. I'm human.

Ok, i'm gonna do something pathetic, like put on some Radiohead and weep in a corner as I figure out how to not scare people into not falling in love with me, thanks.

I seriously feel like I am living in agony nearly 95% of my life because I struggle so hard to find at least one trace of this human emotion, since apparently my parents never really loved me and my friends perpetually flake. I just want someone to be gentle with me. I feel like something is punching me violently in the center of my chest every day at any given time for no good reason.

CRUCIFYYYYY MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!