I responded.
Dear Adrian,
Yo you. Eating Cheetos as we speak. Cheese-a-licious. I can't remember who told me about the Wet Floor Sign Fiasco, I think it was Jose. It was one o' the boys. Personally, I found it hilarious and fell over laughing. (Not that you got kicked out of the mall, but laughing at the idea.) You rule.
Oh Adrian...god, my heart hurts. I don't want to hurt you, ever ever ever. But I am a big flaming homo. Seriously. And not in an experimental way like a few of the girls we knew in High School. Not the kind that get drunk at a party, kiss a girl/grab her butt and run off in a corner to tee hee about it. I've dated about 8 girls in the past year and I know i'm gay. To be perfectly blunt, i've already slept with a girl, my ex girlfriend Natalie. Many, many times in fact. It sort of makes me feel like a slut-whore, I mean, what happened to the good Christian girl who was going to wait for marriage? I guess I just did it because I wanted to find out about sex and I figured what the hell, marriage isn't legal for me anyway, time to get it over with. In a way i'm glad I did. She was a horrible person and sent me death threats afterwards, she said she only wanted me because I was a virgin, and hell, I guess nobody can ever do that to me again now. Thank God. It's like a vaccination against chicken pox.
Adrian, I can't explain to you what a big part of my life you are. I am confused sometimes. I know i'm a lesbian but I also know that you were my first love, and always will be. Just the other day I smiled because I remembered when you tried to teach me how to jump fences and I fell over and broke my Crystal Method CD. Haha. Or when you gave me a WWF Valentine's Day card. Do you know that no many how many cliche candlelit dinners in North Beach that I get taken on, that nobody in the entire world can ever convey the genuine intent that you did in that single gift? I still have the black rose you gave me in a vase in my bedroom at home, filled with glass beads. I'll keep it forever.
I will always be your friend, and I will always remember in 8th grade when you'd claim that long division was an instrument of "The Man" to keep us down. Or when you'd pretend you were living in Metal Gear Solid and would run down the halls shouting "Alert Mode! I've been found!" Do you realize how cool you are? You're the funniest, most beautiful boy in the world! Such a romantic, too. Do you still remember our punk rock picnic in the park with greasy sacks of Chicken McNuggets? I do. And it makes me smile.
You didn't do anything wrong and I can't explain why I am a lesbian. I always felt this way. I had crushes on Heather and Tanya and Danny and lots of other girls in High School. I just tried to force it away because I didn't want to go to Hell. Then I figured Hell would be denying it for the rest of my life. I don't want you to feel like it's your fault. I hate to use that old cliche "It's not you, it's me" but in this case it really is, I can't go back to pretending to be straight anymore. The reality is that I do love women. I love everything about them that you love, like their soft skin and their sweet smelling hair.
Don't ever let anyone hurt you, OK? I want you to make it out alive, because I often I think that I will not. Any girl that dates you automatically wins the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes of love. Sometimes, when I date a girl, I find myself doing lots of the things that you used to do with me and it's almost like i've become you in a way. I'll never be as charming as you are, though.
You are one of those mythical, enchanting creatures that the world says isn't real, but I know you are more real than anyone in the entire world. We're two sides of the same magic. I think we'll always be bound as such. You're one of the last good men on the entire face of the planet.
You taught me so many things, you taught me how to love and how to kiss. Christ, you're the only boy i've ever kissed in my entire life! I still remember the 5,000 hours we would spend at the local Barnes and Nobles drinking coffee while you read me stories, like I was a little girl. I love memories like those. I wish we wouldn't have broken up before prom and we could've gone to prom together. We would have stolen the show, like we did at Winter Formal in our Mobster/Hooker getup. God, we ruled harder than anybody at that entire school. I remember looking at you and Ann at prom and wishing it was me and you instead. Loathing that I was there with Kraiggle sweetcheeks. That guy is a bastard. He hates that i'm gay and we're not friends anymore. Who cares, I have no respect for someone who dates a 17 year old...pedophile.
Promise that you will show another girl the same love that you showed me. Make her as happy as you have made me. I know you'll find someone better and don't be surprised if she loves you back 4 times harder than I did. And promise that you won't run away from her.
I may be coming back home next month, as Garbage/The Distillers are playing in Sac and Heather and I have plans to drive there...let's get together and have coffee at that new cafe that opened up where the bands play.
I can't be your girlfriend...but I promise I will always be your companion, if that's what you want.
Dear Adrian,
Yo you. Eating Cheetos as we speak. Cheese-a-licious. I can't remember who told me about the Wet Floor Sign Fiasco, I think it was Jose. It was one o' the boys. Personally, I found it hilarious and fell over laughing. (Not that you got kicked out of the mall, but laughing at the idea.) You rule.
Oh Adrian...god, my heart hurts. I don't want to hurt you, ever ever ever. But I am a big flaming homo. Seriously. And not in an experimental way like a few of the girls we knew in High School. Not the kind that get drunk at a party, kiss a girl/grab her butt and run off in a corner to tee hee about it. I've dated about 8 girls in the past year and I know i'm gay. To be perfectly blunt, i've already slept with a girl, my ex girlfriend Natalie. Many, many times in fact. It sort of makes me feel like a slut-whore, I mean, what happened to the good Christian girl who was going to wait for marriage? I guess I just did it because I wanted to find out about sex and I figured what the hell, marriage isn't legal for me anyway, time to get it over with. In a way i'm glad I did. She was a horrible person and sent me death threats afterwards, she said she only wanted me because I was a virgin, and hell, I guess nobody can ever do that to me again now. Thank God. It's like a vaccination against chicken pox.
Adrian, I can't explain to you what a big part of my life you are. I am confused sometimes. I know i'm a lesbian but I also know that you were my first love, and always will be. Just the other day I smiled because I remembered when you tried to teach me how to jump fences and I fell over and broke my Crystal Method CD. Haha. Or when you gave me a WWF Valentine's Day card. Do you know that no many how many cliche candlelit dinners in North Beach that I get taken on, that nobody in the entire world can ever convey the genuine intent that you did in that single gift? I still have the black rose you gave me in a vase in my bedroom at home, filled with glass beads. I'll keep it forever.
I will always be your friend, and I will always remember in 8th grade when you'd claim that long division was an instrument of "The Man" to keep us down. Or when you'd pretend you were living in Metal Gear Solid and would run down the halls shouting "Alert Mode! I've been found!" Do you realize how cool you are? You're the funniest, most beautiful boy in the world! Such a romantic, too. Do you still remember our punk rock picnic in the park with greasy sacks of Chicken McNuggets? I do. And it makes me smile.
You didn't do anything wrong and I can't explain why I am a lesbian. I always felt this way. I had crushes on Heather and Tanya and Danny and lots of other girls in High School. I just tried to force it away because I didn't want to go to Hell. Then I figured Hell would be denying it for the rest of my life. I don't want you to feel like it's your fault. I hate to use that old cliche "It's not you, it's me" but in this case it really is, I can't go back to pretending to be straight anymore. The reality is that I do love women. I love everything about them that you love, like their soft skin and their sweet smelling hair.
Don't ever let anyone hurt you, OK? I want you to make it out alive, because I often I think that I will not. Any girl that dates you automatically wins the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes of love. Sometimes, when I date a girl, I find myself doing lots of the things that you used to do with me and it's almost like i've become you in a way. I'll never be as charming as you are, though.
You are one of those mythical, enchanting creatures that the world says isn't real, but I know you are more real than anyone in the entire world. We're two sides of the same magic. I think we'll always be bound as such. You're one of the last good men on the entire face of the planet.
You taught me so many things, you taught me how to love and how to kiss. Christ, you're the only boy i've ever kissed in my entire life! I still remember the 5,000 hours we would spend at the local Barnes and Nobles drinking coffee while you read me stories, like I was a little girl. I love memories like those. I wish we wouldn't have broken up before prom and we could've gone to prom together. We would have stolen the show, like we did at Winter Formal in our Mobster/Hooker getup. God, we ruled harder than anybody at that entire school. I remember looking at you and Ann at prom and wishing it was me and you instead. Loathing that I was there with Kraiggle sweetcheeks. That guy is a bastard. He hates that i'm gay and we're not friends anymore. Who cares, I have no respect for someone who dates a 17 year old...pedophile.
Promise that you will show another girl the same love that you showed me. Make her as happy as you have made me. I know you'll find someone better and don't be surprised if she loves you back 4 times harder than I did. And promise that you won't run away from her.
I may be coming back home next month, as Garbage/The Distillers are playing in Sac and Heather and I have plans to drive there...let's get together and have coffee at that new cafe that opened up where the bands play.
I can't be your girlfriend...but I promise I will always be your companion, if that's what you want.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
I actually do want to be a writer. More than anything. I'm an English major and i'm trying really hard to be the best that I can be. Three small things i've written have been published, and I may be writing a small essay or rant for SF'S "Reporter" next month.
I've noticed that the flaw in most of the other work of the English majors is that it isn't real, that's it's overly romanticized, that they create characters that, say, bend down on one knee and kiss the back of their girlfriend's hands when they pick them up on dates.
I just tell you how pretty or ugly life really is and you know what i'm talking about because you've had similar experiences. I guess the only strong point of my writing is that I can say it keeps it real. I just observe.
But the way to b-femme's pants is through a compliment to her writing...thank you!!! **Unzips pants**
lololol.
Ans yes, it's a secret but...I have a HUGE HUGE crush on Astrid. So much so I may fall over onto your team.