I have to start a presentation for what else: SPANISH. I think Hell is really a Spanish class that lasts for eternity with the promise that if you get an A in it, you will get to go to Heaven. Well, I got the dance station on and i'm gonna reach for a frosty bottle of good ol' Vanilla Coke.
I'm gonna rant about being biracial. Why does my Caucasian side hate me because i'm the daughter of a mail order bride? They always say such bad things about my mother because they are convinced she is a liar just because she's Asian and it makes me sick. My great aunt from the midwest calls me up regularly to tell me how much my mother sucks because she has been living with her boyfriend for the past 13 years instead of marrying him. They say she's living in sin, discounting the fact that when I was 14 I saw my real dad being arrested on TV for picking up a prostitute. They told me, "Sometimes, a man gets lonely and he has needs." Fuck that shit. He's picked up prostitutes his whole life and he makes me sick. He wants to totally subjugate women and that is why he has NEVER been in a normal relationship where he treats another woman with equal power. They've always been hookers or mail order brides that are 20 years old, and he is almost 60. My dad dates girls as old as me. He never knew my mom would turn out to be intelligent and have a mind of her own, that she could say things other than "Me love you long time."
I think my father hates all women, and I think he hates me. My whole life, he has made it a point to reiterate the fact that he thinks I am stupid and ugly, and once he beat me in public screaming that I was "A worthless piece of shit that would never amount to anything." Then he threw tea in my face and left me crying in front of a bunch of strangers...I was 14. And that day he told me boys didn't like me because I didn't have large enough breasts.
I wonder if this is why I am a lesbian? I don't know. Sometimes I think one of my favorite things about taking girls on dates is that I can be good to them, like I am somehow being the gentleman that I always hoped existed. Does that makes sense? My dad has always been pretty fucked up to me, and although I think sometimes I have severe Charlie Brown complex whereI rant about how much I suck, i'm pretty much a normal girl. I don't like to hurt people and although I am very hard on myself sometimes, I know ultimately that I am a good person and that's all that matters.
When I was little, he'd take me to cryogenics facilities because he wants to be frozen when he dies. "Dad! Dad! What's in these cold metal things?" He'd look down to me, at 4 years old, and tell me "There are dead people in there. This is what it looks like inside. I'll show you." and he'd show me photos of what the freezing of dead bodies looks like. I thank God or whatever ultimate power that there is that I have turned out to be a normal, caring human being and have come out of weird situations like this as a normal girl.
I wish my dad loved me. He is sick with congestive heart failure and a few months ago we were on the phone. I said "Bye dad. I love you." I didn't really mean it, because I don't think I love him at all, but I want him to feel loved. "Um, OK." He said. And then he hung up. He's a sad man.
Overall, I think I am getting over the things he has told me and the way he has made me feel most of my life. I used to be filled with a lot more self-loathing, but now I know he's just a jerk that's unhappy with himself and he can't do anything but project those feelings onto women to make himself feel better. It's too bad that he doesn't distinguish a line between the way he talks to a hooker from the way he talks to his daughter.
I'm gonna rant about being biracial. Why does my Caucasian side hate me because i'm the daughter of a mail order bride? They always say such bad things about my mother because they are convinced she is a liar just because she's Asian and it makes me sick. My great aunt from the midwest calls me up regularly to tell me how much my mother sucks because she has been living with her boyfriend for the past 13 years instead of marrying him. They say she's living in sin, discounting the fact that when I was 14 I saw my real dad being arrested on TV for picking up a prostitute. They told me, "Sometimes, a man gets lonely and he has needs." Fuck that shit. He's picked up prostitutes his whole life and he makes me sick. He wants to totally subjugate women and that is why he has NEVER been in a normal relationship where he treats another woman with equal power. They've always been hookers or mail order brides that are 20 years old, and he is almost 60. My dad dates girls as old as me. He never knew my mom would turn out to be intelligent and have a mind of her own, that she could say things other than "Me love you long time."
I think my father hates all women, and I think he hates me. My whole life, he has made it a point to reiterate the fact that he thinks I am stupid and ugly, and once he beat me in public screaming that I was "A worthless piece of shit that would never amount to anything." Then he threw tea in my face and left me crying in front of a bunch of strangers...I was 14. And that day he told me boys didn't like me because I didn't have large enough breasts.
I wonder if this is why I am a lesbian? I don't know. Sometimes I think one of my favorite things about taking girls on dates is that I can be good to them, like I am somehow being the gentleman that I always hoped existed. Does that makes sense? My dad has always been pretty fucked up to me, and although I think sometimes I have severe Charlie Brown complex whereI rant about how much I suck, i'm pretty much a normal girl. I don't like to hurt people and although I am very hard on myself sometimes, I know ultimately that I am a good person and that's all that matters.
When I was little, he'd take me to cryogenics facilities because he wants to be frozen when he dies. "Dad! Dad! What's in these cold metal things?" He'd look down to me, at 4 years old, and tell me "There are dead people in there. This is what it looks like inside. I'll show you." and he'd show me photos of what the freezing of dead bodies looks like. I thank God or whatever ultimate power that there is that I have turned out to be a normal, caring human being and have come out of weird situations like this as a normal girl.
I wish my dad loved me. He is sick with congestive heart failure and a few months ago we were on the phone. I said "Bye dad. I love you." I didn't really mean it, because I don't think I love him at all, but I want him to feel loved. "Um, OK." He said. And then he hung up. He's a sad man.
Overall, I think I am getting over the things he has told me and the way he has made me feel most of my life. I used to be filled with a lot more self-loathing, but now I know he's just a jerk that's unhappy with himself and he can't do anything but project those feelings onto women to make himself feel better. It's too bad that he doesn't distinguish a line between the way he talks to a hooker from the way he talks to his daughter.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
pigs9488:
That is the cutest hedgehog i have ever seen.
pigs9488:
My mother was a nut job and i hated her with a passion. I wont get into it now but when i moved out i wasnt around heranymore. So slowly i got over it. Now i can kinda talk to her.