bionicfemme

Once upon a time, long ago, Bionicfemme liked women but was afraid to do anything about it. She was even too scared to go to *gasp* lesbian clubs! The only safe, annonymous way for her to deal with these desires was to go to Yahoo chatrooms and flirt with lesbians located in the UK, using a fake name, a fake age, and a fake identity....

Yep. About a year ago I had an "online girlfriend" named Jaye. I know, it's the kind of stuff you make fun of on TV...but we had something special. She was in New Zealand and we loved each other so much that like 3 times a week we would buy phone cards and talk on the phone for 8-10 hours at a time! She wanted to be a DJ and was a year older than me, she made me laugh so hard I would fall out of my chair and when we weren't on the phone, we were IMing each other. In fact, she was straight when we bumped into each other in a chat room, but she just kept coming in to make fun of people and start fights when she got bored. I thought she was hilarious and emailed her, and after two months of being friends she said she had a crush on me and wanted to come to the US! So that's how it was...

We had our phone/online romance for about 7 months; occasionally I went on dates with girls from the club, but they never continued more than a couple of weeks and I didn't think she needed to know about it. After all, she was in New Zealand and I didn't think online girlfriends counted. But then I met N, and was struck with guilt because, um, we fucked...which was stupid.

So I told Jaye about N and then she flipped out, angry because she had already saved lots of money to come to the US..."Did you fuck her? Did you fuck her?" she kept yelling. "Oh for Chrissake, no, I didn't." I was lying and it made me sick. We talked about things over and over again until we decided to be friends, but it all felt weird. To make matters worse, we "broke up" a few weeks before my birthday and in the mail I got a package with a bunch of CD's and clothes all the way from across the world. Jaye sent me a huge present, and even had every person in her family sign my birthday card. Imagine what an ass I felt like then, knowing I chose an idiot when I could have just waited for her to come to America. I guess I didn't believe her when she kept saying she would really come for me.

Then just today I got a random email from her; I haven't talked with her in like 6 months! I guess she's coming to America to see me...HOLY SHIT! She says she's still in love with me. I am flattered, but a little freaked out...just because we haven't talked for so long and I didn't really consider it a real relationship, even though I loved her very much.

I wonder if she looks like the picture she sent, what'll happen if she really comes here. It's a little scary. I don't know if we should meet...she seems like she came back from the dead. More important than that, i'm not sure she should meet me. I feel old and impure, I am in no way the enthusiastic babydyke I was when I first met her.

I really did love her. She was the funniest girl. Once, the police threatened to arrest her because she wouldn't stop climbing trees and it made the old lady next door nervous. Another time, she teased a dog until it chased her for a block and she cut her bare feet on broken glass. She has a real smart mouth on her and starts fights with everybody, I think it's hilarious and fucking adorable...

And i'm not the same girl anymore. I haven't responded yet, i'm not sure I should.