bionicfemme

Thanks so much for your responses, they made me feel so much better. I felt like some hysterical woman in a 1950's movie and Dia's response was the good slap in the face I needed to help me make sense. I don't know why I went all crazy last night, it's just because when something really stupid and pointless keeps happening to you like 80,000 times in rapid succession it gets irritating. I don't know. That and i'm PMSing. Plus I just thought it was fucked up rude that Josie flirted with me so much and pressed me to tell her that I liked her just to give me a stupid line. I mean, I would have been content saying nothing and then coming home and going to sleep, but then she just had to add in that SHE has types, blah blah blah. Like I don't know this? Lesbians at school only like you if you're a big white girl that listens to Ani DiFranco. They're very narrow when it comes to who they let in their clique, other lesbians of color that I know at school agree. I guess i'm bitter because I can't even go to them for companionship since I don't fit in and they act like they think i'm weird. They're like gay granola cheerleaders.

I have types too, but I don't let them prevent me from maybe dating someone who might turn out to be cool. I mean, I LOVE punky femmes with dark hair, but that wouldn't stop me from dating a blonde Abercromb-ite if I thought she was a good person and funny. I don't understand why people can't expand past this.

I've been trying to take things slow and if I ever get into another pseudo-relationship with a girl i'm SO going to be the Christian girl from high school that vowed she was going to wait until marriage. Yep, that'll be me. I even have a phobia now. Whenever a girl tells me "I'm really not looking for a relationship" I get THE HELL AWAY from her. I run. This is NOT the line to tell me if you want me to stick around. This is why I don't really like Stacey as much anymore, because I don't want to be her fuck buddy, despite the fact that I am horny and my body screams at me with the sound of 10,000 souls burning in hell.

I truly do wish I could be like my friend Alyson. She's calm and very wise, even if she's only 22. This is that dreamy poet that I told you guys about. I fell in love with her just a little too late, she already got a girlfriend and they moved in together. At one point she asked me to the movies but I was already dating N, so I foolishly declined. I can't believe I missed out on her. Anyway, Alyson is basically everybody's dream girl, and she ALWAYS gets into long term relationships that last at least 2 years. She's already had 4 of them. They never end badly and she always becomes a wiser person afterwards. She grows from them. I want to be like Alyson, have all these long term successful relationships and become a better person from them afterwards. She's like a mountain sage to me.

I still remember the day I told N I loved her and she said "If you ever want to make me happy, get me off in bed or brag about me to your friends, but don't ever tell me about your feelings" and we got into a huge fight where I almost broke up with her. And who cares, I did two weeks later anyway. But Alyson was there for me and drove over to take me out for pizza. I was balling my eyes out saying "Fuck, I could make someone really happy, right? Right? I promise I could" and she kept telling me that I would, that one day someone would be the same way back. She always tells me that she sees so much potential in me, that I have something she doesn't see in anyone else. I wish someone would see the good in me.

I don't know what i'm going to do today. I want to get out of the city.