Hmm, the love euphoria feeling didn't last, shit went down tonight. I feel like I am a half-dead corpse and all of the women in the world converge to become a smarmy 8-year-old boy that insists on prodding my eye with a very sharp stick to see if I am alive.
So both Stacey and Josie wanted to come clubbing tonight. At 9:30 I called Stacey's place 3 times and her cell phone twice and didn't get a hold of her. So then I assume she's going to meet us at the club, 'cause what the fuck, you know? She never showed up. I get home and she leaves this very angry message on my answering machine saying she waited for me until 10:10 or something and that I stood her up and she's all pissed off. Well what the fuck, I called her like 5 times, is it my fault she wasn't answering her phone?
So then Josie and I went to the club and she was hardcore macking on me, giving me kisses on the cheek, bumping and grinding with me on the dance floor, etc. So then later on she's like "Why do you want me to keep my hair long? Oh yeah, 'cause you like femmes. Well...it's not like you like me anyway..." so then I say "Hey, what makes you think I don't like you?" and she says "As a friend or what? You don't like me..." and then I go "Well...maybe I have a crush on you, I dunno" and then she gives me all this brand name BULLSHIT about how once you find a good dyke friend, you don't want to complicate it by dating, blah blah blah etc. I wanted to blow my fucking brains out, women use the same damn lines on me ALL the time. Be a fucking man about it. Tell me I look like shit and that you're as sexually attracted to me as you would be an earthworm, it would be easier for us all if you just TELL THE FUCKING TRUTH. Preambles are shit.
So then I pretend to take it well, but I just stop talking to her because I don't know what to say. We decided to leave and I remembered I left my jacket inside. I was so pissed off that when a whole bunch of drunk people flopped on me, I started punching them. I punched one guy in the eye, elbowed a guy in the back, and punched another guy in the back of the head. Nobody stopped me. This is the first time i've been so pissed off about girls treating me like shit that i've become violent.
So basically in the taxi cab home I wasn't saying anything, taking it well. Finally, she said "It's not that you aren't a cute, funny girl, but I have my types." I cut her off, screaming, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO I LOOK FUNNY? DO I LOOK LIKE SHIT? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE WANT TO BE WITH ME? CAN'T SOMEONE JUST TELL ME I'M UGLY AND BE FUCKING HONEST??? THE ONLY GIRL THAT EVER LOVED ME WAS A PSYCHOPATH AND YOU'D HAVE TO BE CRAZY TO FALL FOR ME!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE GAY ANYMORE!!!!" Silence.
I don't know why I screamed at Josie, I felt horrible for doing so, but I think i've lost all control. I was just pissed at her, what was the point of her flirting with me and asking me if I liked her if she was just going to tell me that I wasn't her type? If one of your friends likes you and you get an inkling that they do, you don't ask them if they like you, you just pretend like you don't notice until they get the hint and move on. That's what I always do, and it works without hurting anyone's feelings.
I'll never be anybody's type. I'll never be anybody's girl. God had the sense of humor to make me a genetically half-breeded mutant so that I am not specifically a white girl or specifically an asian, so that appearance wise I don't fit anybody's taste. And then I just have to like techno music when nobody else does. I have to have a weird, spikey haircut and wear punk clothing when it's obvious that if I would just conform, grow my hair out, and wear Abercrombie that I wouldn't have to spend another night alone in this tomb-like bed.
I wish I was never born. I hate being gay, there is no point in being a socially unacceptable thing if you don't reap the rewards of it. Why do I have to be a lesbian if girls don't like me. Why do I have to have a desire for love when nobody wants to love me? I feel like an unwanted, ugly bloodhound at a dog pound and I want someone to shoot me in my fucking face so I don't have to watch the other dogs go home to loving masters while I starve and rot in a cage filled with my own feces. I don't want any more rejection and I don't want any more women using me for sex. I want to fucking die. But then again, God would just reject me like every love interest has in my life and he'd send me to the hell i've already been burning in for 20 years.
I can't take it anymore. I wish N would have carried out her fucking death threat and just cut me. There is no point in me being alive, nobody will fall in love with me, i'm disgusting and inept. I want to die.
So both Stacey and Josie wanted to come clubbing tonight. At 9:30 I called Stacey's place 3 times and her cell phone twice and didn't get a hold of her. So then I assume she's going to meet us at the club, 'cause what the fuck, you know? She never showed up. I get home and she leaves this very angry message on my answering machine saying she waited for me until 10:10 or something and that I stood her up and she's all pissed off. Well what the fuck, I called her like 5 times, is it my fault she wasn't answering her phone?
So then Josie and I went to the club and she was hardcore macking on me, giving me kisses on the cheek, bumping and grinding with me on the dance floor, etc. So then later on she's like "Why do you want me to keep my hair long? Oh yeah, 'cause you like femmes. Well...it's not like you like me anyway..." so then I say "Hey, what makes you think I don't like you?" and she says "As a friend or what? You don't like me..." and then I go "Well...maybe I have a crush on you, I dunno" and then she gives me all this brand name BULLSHIT about how once you find a good dyke friend, you don't want to complicate it by dating, blah blah blah etc. I wanted to blow my fucking brains out, women use the same damn lines on me ALL the time. Be a fucking man about it. Tell me I look like shit and that you're as sexually attracted to me as you would be an earthworm, it would be easier for us all if you just TELL THE FUCKING TRUTH. Preambles are shit.
So then I pretend to take it well, but I just stop talking to her because I don't know what to say. We decided to leave and I remembered I left my jacket inside. I was so pissed off that when a whole bunch of drunk people flopped on me, I started punching them. I punched one guy in the eye, elbowed a guy in the back, and punched another guy in the back of the head. Nobody stopped me. This is the first time i've been so pissed off about girls treating me like shit that i've become violent.
So basically in the taxi cab home I wasn't saying anything, taking it well. Finally, she said "It's not that you aren't a cute, funny girl, but I have my types." I cut her off, screaming, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO I LOOK FUNNY? DO I LOOK LIKE SHIT? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE WANT TO BE WITH ME? CAN'T SOMEONE JUST TELL ME I'M UGLY AND BE FUCKING HONEST??? THE ONLY GIRL THAT EVER LOVED ME WAS A PSYCHOPATH AND YOU'D HAVE TO BE CRAZY TO FALL FOR ME!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE GAY ANYMORE!!!!" Silence.
I don't know why I screamed at Josie, I felt horrible for doing so, but I think i've lost all control. I was just pissed at her, what was the point of her flirting with me and asking me if I liked her if she was just going to tell me that I wasn't her type? If one of your friends likes you and you get an inkling that they do, you don't ask them if they like you, you just pretend like you don't notice until they get the hint and move on. That's what I always do, and it works without hurting anyone's feelings.
I'll never be anybody's type. I'll never be anybody's girl. God had the sense of humor to make me a genetically half-breeded mutant so that I am not specifically a white girl or specifically an asian, so that appearance wise I don't fit anybody's taste. And then I just have to like techno music when nobody else does. I have to have a weird, spikey haircut and wear punk clothing when it's obvious that if I would just conform, grow my hair out, and wear Abercrombie that I wouldn't have to spend another night alone in this tomb-like bed.
I wish I was never born. I hate being gay, there is no point in being a socially unacceptable thing if you don't reap the rewards of it. Why do I have to be a lesbian if girls don't like me. Why do I have to have a desire for love when nobody wants to love me? I feel like an unwanted, ugly bloodhound at a dog pound and I want someone to shoot me in my fucking face so I don't have to watch the other dogs go home to loving masters while I starve and rot in a cage filled with my own feces. I don't want any more rejection and I don't want any more women using me for sex. I want to fucking die. But then again, God would just reject me like every love interest has in my life and he'd send me to the hell i've already been burning in for 20 years.
I can't take it anymore. I wish N would have carried out her fucking death threat and just cut me. There is no point in me being alive, nobody will fall in love with me, i'm disgusting and inept. I want to die.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
Your problem is just your self-esteem. And yes, the SF dyke scene is a certain way as well. And maybe you just have to take it slow... slow... I think with less selection, there are less returns perhaps. I cannot tell you all the many long hours I contemplated dropping men only to realize I'd just wind up alone myself.
My main concern though is how you categorize yourself. There is no point to it. Some of us are just sort of weird. I make zero sense either. It's okay. Just maintain your radiant level of who you are and let yourself shine, and be a fucking diva, be above everyone, and you will have them licking your toes.
First of all. You need to determine your goal, if you haven't already. What do you want? Do you want a LTR? Or what. Second thing to keep in your head... make a list even... what do you HOPE for in a woman? (column A) and (column B) what do you not find attractive or acceptible. There, now don't forget it when you go out. Know who you are going for. But don't go straight for the jugular, hold back some, if you were a man I'd give you different advice, but I think if you don't want to be used for sex, you need to warm into a relationship with someone slowly... really getting to know them first... women are often tempted to sleep with each other quickly just because you're like, holy fuck there's a totally hot naked chick in my bed. But resist.... as best as you can.
i think you're sexy
i love techno too
i love your writing
if i was any closer to you i'd snatch you up in a second.
i just went though kinda the same thing last week. push. shove. you'll break through it. and yes, you will be stronger.
i wish you so much happiness and i wish even more that i could be there to give it to you