Ick...I have a sci final tomorrow, must study tonight. Then I have 5 papers due by Thursday...fun for the whole family.

I went to a French cafe to chill today, brought a literary magazine...drank a raspberry white truffle mocha and smoked a vanilla Camel Crema. Felt very posh and indulgent.

So i'm becoming a nicotene addict. Smoking makes me feel "together," like i'm more focused and productive. Man, when I smoke I get shit DONE! And i'm developing that husky sexy smoker's voice i've always wanted...too bad my throat hurts all the time now...

The way I perceive things when smoking is much more concentrated and intense; I don't receive things around me in some sort of intangible, rapidly flowing broth of happenings. I can't smoke without coffee though, or else it tastes like shit.

For the first time in my life lately, I feel in control. Ever since that night when I realized love was just an electrical impulse, I've come to the conclusion that it's just an experience, like any other. You smoke and get an experience. You drink and get an experience. You play Final Fantasy and you get an experience. Not being in love is a lack of one experience, but there are hundreds of other things you could do to fill that gap. I want to do as many new things as possible so I can fill that lack of experience with many other new ones, which is why i'm going to London and Paris this summer, hopefully. And I'm still working on submitting stuff to my two fave lit magazines very soon. Making things right now is key.

Looks like i'm a big girl. I've cast off things that were too small for me.

Now I drink, smoke, and use tampons.