i had a surgery 6 months ago.. low low next to every man's "pride" i guess.. intenstines slipped wher ethey were not supposed to be... and all hell has broken loose since... i lost alot .. or more like alot dissapeared.. it's funny how life works..
it's funny at 4 am when the silence surrounds you to the point where everythign is loud.. and the sound of your charcoal or pencil across the sheet irritates you... it's funny .. in a morbid sense.. when teh things you love destroy you fron the inside...
ihave not drawn in months... i started doing an outline today on my laptop in which i had planned overlaying acrylic to give it proper color in texture.. i got about an hour into the layering of pencil (dont ask i'm soo picky and critical) then that loud click of realization happened inside my brain when my "reality" thought processes kicked in.. and that inner voice spoke.. "you are drawing agin good boy"...i lost the inspiration and stopped drawing... i cant even rember the picture...
i'm slowly retracting into this weird foggy bubble in which every voice is dampened.. and all you hear is the wind whispering across your ears...
i guess in reality all it is is i am afraid of being hurt again.. it's been since january.. i should be over the pain by now but everytime i see my daughter i rember.. everything i have given up i have not gotten back, sometimes it does not make sense to me at all... and it's slowly tearing me apart...
thanksgiving is coming up... i dislike being with my family, they always pretend everything is great.. but it's interesting to walking down a hallway and hear the murmurs between the older people about how you have dealt with it.. and "what it must be like"...
i noticed tonight when scrolling through my old postings that i have become rather one track minded; all i ever write about is raceing.. it's been my main hobby for a while and i love it so much.. but i cant afford my pro licence (4500 for the cert course).. but i'll stop there
i have been trying to restart my lifestyle again.. i kept 4 friends moved traded in my last project car and bought a new one... so far to go... took my company combined it with another... MOVED far far away (60 miles) changed everythign in one week...
now.. i would like to meet a few new people.. that were not involved in only themselvs... or some weird cause that has no purpose... that's the hardest part is meeting someone that i can enstill trust into.. that does not want money or a shiny car...(they can get their own)..from me...
hmm i'm going to go for a drive up the moutain.. it's 7 am nobody will be there I think i'll watch the mist roll away from the city.... i'll take a 4h 2hb 2b with me (pencils).. maby draw a big circle or something.. or if i'm sneaky get me a rabbit i can roast it with my handy dandy zippo..
(damn my mood's lightened up alot)...
have a good day everyone i'll be back later...
here's a parting word..
η ζωή είναι πόλεμος ο θάνατος είναι η μόνη ειρήνη
it's funny at 4 am when the silence surrounds you to the point where everythign is loud.. and the sound of your charcoal or pencil across the sheet irritates you... it's funny .. in a morbid sense.. when teh things you love destroy you fron the inside...
ihave not drawn in months... i started doing an outline today on my laptop in which i had planned overlaying acrylic to give it proper color in texture.. i got about an hour into the layering of pencil (dont ask i'm soo picky and critical) then that loud click of realization happened inside my brain when my "reality" thought processes kicked in.. and that inner voice spoke.. "you are drawing agin good boy"...i lost the inspiration and stopped drawing... i cant even rember the picture...
i'm slowly retracting into this weird foggy bubble in which every voice is dampened.. and all you hear is the wind whispering across your ears...
i guess in reality all it is is i am afraid of being hurt again.. it's been since january.. i should be over the pain by now but everytime i see my daughter i rember.. everything i have given up i have not gotten back, sometimes it does not make sense to me at all... and it's slowly tearing me apart...
thanksgiving is coming up... i dislike being with my family, they always pretend everything is great.. but it's interesting to walking down a hallway and hear the murmurs between the older people about how you have dealt with it.. and "what it must be like"...
i noticed tonight when scrolling through my old postings that i have become rather one track minded; all i ever write about is raceing.. it's been my main hobby for a while and i love it so much.. but i cant afford my pro licence (4500 for the cert course).. but i'll stop there
i have been trying to restart my lifestyle again.. i kept 4 friends moved traded in my last project car and bought a new one... so far to go... took my company combined it with another... MOVED far far away (60 miles) changed everythign in one week...
now.. i would like to meet a few new people.. that were not involved in only themselvs... or some weird cause that has no purpose... that's the hardest part is meeting someone that i can enstill trust into.. that does not want money or a shiny car...(they can get their own)..from me...
hmm i'm going to go for a drive up the moutain.. it's 7 am nobody will be there I think i'll watch the mist roll away from the city.... i'll take a 4h 2hb 2b with me (pencils).. maby draw a big circle or something.. or if i'm sneaky get me a rabbit i can roast it with my handy dandy zippo..
(damn my mood's lightened up alot)...
have a good day everyone i'll be back later...
here's a parting word..
η ζωή είναι πόλεμος ο θάνατος είναι η μόνη ειρήνη
wtf:
You should scan and post some of your drawings, I'd like to see them. 