binkymcqueen

The original caption for this photo, which ran in a Toronto newspaper, was "Alphonse Robert Alda, at the age of two years and three months, finds solace from worldly cares in a briar pipe."

My mother didn't try to stab my father until I was six, but she must have shown signs of oddness before that. Her detached gaze, the secret smile. Something.

We were living in a two-room apartment over the dance floor of a nightclub. My father was performing in the show that played below us every night. We could hear the musical numbers through the floorboards, and we had heard the closing number at midnight. My father should have come back from work hours ago.

My mother had asked me to stay up with her. She was lonely. We played gin rummy as the band below us played "Brazil" and couples danced through the haze of booze and cigarette smoke late into the night.

Finally, he came in. She jumped up, furious. "Where have you been?" she screamed. Even at the age of six, I could understand her anger. He worked with half-naked women and came home late. It wasn't crazy to be suspicious.

She told him she knew he was sleeping with someone. He denied it. "You are!" she screamed. He denied it again, this time impatiently.

"You son of a bitch!" she said. She picked up a paring knife and lunged at him, trying to plunge it into his face. This was crazy.

He caught her by the wrist. "What's the matter with you?"

They struggled over the knife as I pleaded with them to stop. When he forced her to drop it, I picked up the knife and rammed it point first into the table so it couldn't be used again.

A few weeks later, the three of us were at the small table by the kitchenette, eating.

I was playing with the knives and forks in the silverware tray. I found a paring knife with a bent point and I looked up at my mother: "Remember when I stuck the knife in the table?"

"When?"

"When you wanted to stab Daddy?"

She smiled. "Don't be silly. I never did that. I love Daddy. You just imagined that." She laughed a lighthearted but deliberate laugh. I looked over at my father, who looked away and said nothing.

I knew what I saw, but I wasn't supposed to speak about it. I didn't understand why. I didn't understand how this worked yet.-Alan Alda, --Never Have Your Dog Stuffed -- and Other Things I've Learned.