billytheseal

HORRORSCOPES by David Llewellyn

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)

Everything is sinister. From the smile on Eamonn Holmes' face to that advert for air freshener with the Chinese kid sitting on the toilet. You find yourself becoming increasingly introverted, and considering darker options.



TAURUS (Apr 21 - May 21)

Taurians often find themselves rushing headlong into situations - impulse buying, over-eating, sometimes even casual violence towards strangers. Try and keep your impulses in check today, Taurus, before you end up stabbing a colleague in the eyes.



GEMINI (May 22 - June 22)

"Who am I?" You yell in a crowded busstop. Your friends (who have all seen the Jackie Chan film of the same name) fall about laughing, but most of the people there wish you physical harm.



CANCER (June 23 - July 23)

"Chilli flavoured beans?" You say, standing in the tinned foods aisle of Somerfield. "Heinz chilli flavoured beans?" Your girlfriend comes back from her recce in the dessert aisle with a cherry latice tart. "What're they?" She asks. You hold up the can for her to see. "They're beans." You tell her. "Chilli flavoured beans." Your girlfriend drops the tart into the basket. "Blimey." She says. "Whatever next?"



LEO (July 24 - Aug 23)

You are weak.



VIRGO (Aug 24 - Sep 23)

"My name's Coco, I'm a monkey like you, I live on drugs and super glue." For no apparent reason whatsoever, this childhood playground jingle will pop into your head half way through an important meeting, and you will find yourself giggling inappropriately for the rest of the afternoon.



LIBRA (Sep 24 - Oct 23)

While visiting your parents your mother informs you that they are both going on "another one of their weekends"; this time in Dorset. Neither your mother nor your father has ever told you what these weekends entail, and you have begun to suspect the worst.



SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 22)

"Sunrise, this is the last day that I'll ever see / Out in the courtyard they're ready for me / But I go to my Lord with no fear / 'Cause I did what I did for Maria."

Oh yeah, everyone's "into" Tony Christie now that he's become "hip" again, but you've been there all along. Live the dream.



SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 - Dec 21)

You stand outside the club for half an hour, pacing between lampposts, listening to the pounding music that seeps up and out through the open doors. Two bull-dog faced bouncers stand either side in full-length black coats, the tightly curled wires from their ear-pieces disappearing under starched collars. The poster on the wall says "Fistorama - Sat 28th - Midnite til Late".

Go on... You've been thinking about this all week. What have you got to lose? Wouldn't it be nice if it was someone else's fist?



CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 20)

A tricky week for Capricorns. First you cut your thumb while opening a tin of cat food. Two days later you realise you don't even own a cat.



AQUARIUS (Jan 21 - Feb 19)

You walk straight up to the counter in Oddbins, and the thin faced girl with the piercing in her lip says, "Vladstok?" You nod, and she turns to take the bottle of cheap vodka from the shelf. While paying for it you wait for something, anything, that might imbue this moment, and every other moment like it, with some sort of meaning. A glance, perhaps, pregnant with possibilities; a look that tells you she feels the same. There is nothing.



PISCES (Feb 20 -Mar 20)

In your dreams Neil Diamond looms over you once more. His eyebrows are heavy, like an owl's, and cast long shadows over his face. His expression is one of dread intent. Slowly, and in a sinister vibrato he begins to sing 'Sweet Caroline', spitting every other word as though it were a curse.