"You've got a look in your eye/ like you wanna say hi/ when you're saying goodbye..."
-Elliot Smith, from Baby Britian
*
Have you ever just 'wanted to'? I mean, there's nothing holding you back except your own mind. Not even your own heart, 'cause that's what's leading you, but there's still something from your past that's echoing; behaviors that are obsolete, but somehow still have a hold. There's something I want to say. It's one of those situations where the feeling, or the genesis of the feeling, is intact, but wordless, or words wont form out of fear. (When I typed "feeling" the first time, I typoed it as "felling". Falling. Then fallen. Freud, your slip is showing.)
Felling. Cutting it down prematurely. Like thinking an acorn is tree and trying to use it as firewood. Poof!
It's more like the fear of fear, than actual fear.
Which is worse. There's no basis for it, it's just projection.
I feel very centered. I'm not "living" my life. I AM my life. It's not something that is "done to me", or I ride like a carnival ride. I'm it's creator. Decisions to act and respond are mine. The results of natural consequence are clearly logical, and "mistakes" are seen only as lessons that perpetuate, keep the flow going smoothly.
99.9% of all of my anger, frustration, and emotional pain are when others don't respond or behave in "the ways I think they should". That's an easy one to overcome. Their lives are none of my business unless they invite. And vice-y versey!
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm standing on that precipice, getting up the gumption to jump. I know what the opening looks like, but it's that big plunge, that "Geronimo!!!" moment, where the palms are sweating and the giddy air is almost as giddy as your head that gets to my head. You wanna just go and sit back down and watch an old M*A*S*H rerun, or hang out on SG...anything to keep from doing this. But you know you can't. No reason other than you know you just don't want to go back. Can't. A choice. Or: What choice?
Jumping into that void is the best decision you could make. No sides to bounce off, no bottom to hit. Just freefalling until the body balances in midfall.
And then it's just like standing perfectly still on solid ground.
***
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"
later, gator...
-Elliot Smith, from Baby Britian
*
Have you ever just 'wanted to'? I mean, there's nothing holding you back except your own mind. Not even your own heart, 'cause that's what's leading you, but there's still something from your past that's echoing; behaviors that are obsolete, but somehow still have a hold. There's something I want to say. It's one of those situations where the feeling, or the genesis of the feeling, is intact, but wordless, or words wont form out of fear. (When I typed "feeling" the first time, I typoed it as "felling". Falling. Then fallen. Freud, your slip is showing.)
Felling. Cutting it down prematurely. Like thinking an acorn is tree and trying to use it as firewood. Poof!
It's more like the fear of fear, than actual fear.
Which is worse. There's no basis for it, it's just projection.
I feel very centered. I'm not "living" my life. I AM my life. It's not something that is "done to me", or I ride like a carnival ride. I'm it's creator. Decisions to act and respond are mine. The results of natural consequence are clearly logical, and "mistakes" are seen only as lessons that perpetuate, keep the flow going smoothly.
99.9% of all of my anger, frustration, and emotional pain are when others don't respond or behave in "the ways I think they should". That's an easy one to overcome. Their lives are none of my business unless they invite. And vice-y versey!
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm standing on that precipice, getting up the gumption to jump. I know what the opening looks like, but it's that big plunge, that "Geronimo!!!" moment, where the palms are sweating and the giddy air is almost as giddy as your head that gets to my head. You wanna just go and sit back down and watch an old M*A*S*H rerun, or hang out on SG...anything to keep from doing this. But you know you can't. No reason other than you know you just don't want to go back. Can't. A choice. Or: What choice?
Jumping into that void is the best decision you could make. No sides to bounce off, no bottom to hit. Just freefalling until the body balances in midfall.
And then it's just like standing perfectly still on solid ground.
***
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"
later, gator...
i also find that it's hardly ever okay to be feeling shitty or sad or angry or whatever. our society isn't comfortable with people having negative emotions. i think it's good to be able to hold two experiences- the frustrated and the sad, but also the learning and joy of moving on and dealing with that stuff.
a lot of my negative energy happens when the universe doesn't treat me like the princess i believe myself to be. hahahhah. i expect a lot of VIP treatment i guess. but it isn't without gratitude.
i hope you are well....
[Edited on Jul 15, 2005 12:56PM]