billyfivecrows

I thought I was good, ya know? I thought I was okay. But when something grabs you by not only the heart, but by the soul, and the compatibility is so acute that this person feels like, not only have they always been with you, but they are you, well, it takes its own sweet time drifting away.

I can puff up my chest and do the fun, funny sweet-and-flirty dance with a million other women, but the fact is, it's just not the same. Foolish to think it would be, that I could change enough so quickly to be able to know someone else so intimately so soon.

Thing is, those eyes I miss, that sweet, halting, elliptical voice... they have to be my own now, looking back from a mirror, looking and listening from within.

Yeah. I thought I was good, but I didn't mourn properly, so I haven't really begun to heal.


If you don't know the particulars, you really don't need to. If you do know who I'm talking about, then you understand.

Yes. I am okay. Better than, maybe.

Clarity.


Uncertainty of "the future", but then again, it's always Today.


I beat myself up, briefly, faintly. Maybe if I had a place of my own and steady work. I've been a caregiver for a sick relative for over a year. That has been my work. Couldn't be helped. Just... not enough.. Bottomless pit of self pity, that is! At least I see it, saw it. Nipped it in the bud.


Where have I been? Sometimes when I'm working on something serious, emotionally, and I'm not completely conscious of it, I shut down, and drift off into my head. I think my closest friends understand this. Numbness that eventually gives way to mellow introspection.... then I'm back.


Also: Been waiting on a new apartment. Still not sure what's happening. Serious red tape... such and such has to fax this and that to such and such. Blah blah blah. You didn't sign here! We need to call here and find out this. Etc.

For a week and a half, two weeks now. Everyday I call. We call. "Uhhhh... no.... don't know anything yet."

I hope we don't lose the place.



I feel as though I may go nuts.


But, nah. Not constructive.


What will be, will be.



As Depak Chopra says: "....med-eeeee-taaate... med-eeee-taaaaate...."



Imma go laugh or cry myself to sleep now.