billybillybilly

as in journals of yore, i present to you, Therapy?

*

woke up afraid of myself. spirits dancing in the shadows while my knowns sit beside me humming, our fingers circle the eye. blades on the walls of the room i keep waking up in and contortions build at each contrast.

wake up. turn on all the lights.
change the music.

my dreams are built extensions of drunk nights now holding out that feeling i'd been waiting twenty-two years for.

she was in my dreams the rest of the time as i returned to sleeping. she wasn't alone, and she wasn't with me.

"honey?" he says with a smile, black hair short spikes and a slight lisp. only darkness trailing the tips of his sentences. "why don't you tell him?"

got that sinking feeling.
skin on my face crinkling crows feet and frown lines over and over.

"cubey... i've gotta tell you something." a smile, large in profile and welling up when she speaks next. "jeff and i..."

is when i wake up shooting into consciousness in shock short of breath chest pounding and hyperventilating. the side of my face throbs and shoots pain through my teeth.

*

prevention is the best medicine if you accept it.

walk it off...
wash my face clear.
it's supposed to be easier by now.
but it is not.

going back to sleep. i walked behind them this time trying to be glad for them but it just wasn't working.

phone messages wake me from this one.
sister says: "if you want to see the fish don't stir up the water."
what strange timing.

lay awake for a while digesting. lay awake. or lie awake. or both.
maybe neither.

and the dreams happen again. telling her every way i've been impaled on her. every misfortune, every malpractice or malice. my body rejected the treatment.

*

"those people are users, jim. users.

*

a part of her will always be inside me. i don't know if i took it or if it was given but it's winding up tighter all the time. trying to take itself out of me. it hurts. it is not the first time.

*

got the map of the next scenario in my head through my pinneal eye. last night i was walked around by a demon. next up it'll be something bigger. if it's anything like alice, then i've hit the bottom of the rabbit hole, spent time with pills and a cheshire cat. caterpillars eyes follow steady but delayed against each motion toward new adventures. clouds around my head.

bloodshot eyes.
dates i'm late for.

everytime i take a drink i wonder what else crawls down my throat with it.

last night it was a demon.
a short walk past my birthday and around the corner is the devil himself. or the hatter. or Desire from sandman land.

last night it was dreams come alive and busting through my skull.

i carry these things on my back.

this is only a test.

off with his head.