The following conversation occured between my boss and myself today, Thursday, February 10th, somewhere between 4:15pm and 4:25pm:
"Am I a huge creep?" -j
"Wait. Hold on..." -r
*...waiting...*
"Am I a huge creep or something?" -j
*no response* -r
"Am? I? Some? Kind? Of a creep???" -j
"I don't understand the question." -r
"Am I creepy? Do I come off that way?" -j
"Why do you ask?" -r
"Well, certain members of the female population haven't exactly seemed to be enjoying my presence lately. Am I a creep or something? I mean, am I like, totally creepy?" -j
"Oh... hold on." Does some lab chores and helps a customer. -r
*holding* -j
"Well, I've gotta go. Have a good night!" -r
"
" -j
=============================================
Also, from the "at work" files:
Caption 1 (lower) is a word bubble, it reads: "God! Missy's HOT!"
Caption 2 (upper) is a thought bubble, it reads: "Tim's not bad either!"
I may have to kill some motherfuckers for that.
=============================================
one of the stories i went into at the bar the other night:
Steff left a message out of nowhere mostly, wanting me to (drive her into Canada and to) call her right back. Adventure time and I was always in the mood around that time. Sometime in the summer, '00.
Left my first bag at home, picked up some much better marijuana from ____. Pocket it, roll it between my fingers and salivate all the way home.
Steff didn't know about this habit of mine and had long since dropped her own.
And getting to her house she announced Canada like a carrot to chase. Roll the bag between my fingers in my pocket and browse her cassette collection. She has Pearl Jam, Yield, so it's official:
This trip is a go-go.
We're going in to (pick up) visit Michael. No no. Don't shorten that. He wouldn't approve. He will, and would correct you.
Uptight gypsies, I'd never have guessed.
Stayed the night at MICHAEL's apartment. Shitty one bedroom in a neighborhood surrounded by and embedded with shade. Slept on the floor with them writhing beside me, dwelt on the bag but took no advantage. Hiding from Steff I had no advantage.
Sleep get up wake up drive back bring Michael.
The border is approaching us and we're driving toward it and (we'd stopped for gas along the way and rolling the bag between my fingers I decided to hide it somewhere and it ended up in the bottom of a bag of pretzels) Steff is eating some pretzels and the bag (of pretzels) is crinkling but along with that I hear a distinctly different crinkling noise. I look at Steff. Steff looks at the pretzels.
Our facial expressions change on queue.
"Uh... whatthefuck is this?" -s
"Ohfuck... thatmustbe____'s! fuck. hemusthaveleftthatinhere, theotherdaywhen, i, tookhim, um, to pick that up, ohfuckohfuck!" -j
Because that's what stream-of-conscious excuses sound like. And because I just passed the entrance to the duty free shop. And because ahead I see they've already pulled cars over waiting between gates 7 and 5.
[it was meant to weigh 10 grams and cost $50]
"PUT IT BACK IN!" -j
*puts it back in* -s
And we pull over behind the longest line (2 cars, line moves quickly). Come to the gaurd:
"Please state your full name." -g
"J____ C____ M_______." -j
"And what was your business in Canada?"
"We stayed the night and visited our friend here. Really we were just visiting. We haven't really come out here much."
"And where were you coming from?"
"V______" (? (I forget))
Other miscellaneous questions ensue, I answer them, Steff answers the same questions and the guard smiles warmly and finishes the American side of the interview process.
"Okay, and you, sir? What is your name?"
"Michael [something, something]" -m, he's very Cobain-esque.
"And what is your purpose for visiting the states?" -g
"Oh... um. Well, I'm going to be staying with my friend here [points at Steff]." -m
"Okay, and what will the duration of your visit be?" -g
"I forget, [looks at Steff] what had we said, [looks at guard] two weeks?" -m
"Okay, and how much money are you carrying in?" -g
"Let me see... [grabs wallet, opens it] ... forty dollars." -m
The guard's face turns quizzical. She looks behind herself motioning to another guard who comes over bringing a stone face while my pulse begins to increase and I'm hoping no one's noticing my palms beginning to sweat on the wheel.
"Okay, we'll come back to that... Where do you work?" -g
"I don't [realizing this is the wrong answer]... I mean, I do. I'm self-employed, but things have been slow lately."
"Okay, well... who was your last employer [looks at Michael squarely]? Er... I forgot, you're self-employed... who was the last person you did a job for?"
"[he can't answer the question, just fumbles and makes a lot of vowel sounds]"
Cutting him off with the next question, all the guards look around and this is turning into a scene. I look at Steff who is obviously as clueless as Michael as to the situation we're about to be in. I'm envisioning dogs. Several very well trained dogs. That's what I'm thinking.
"Well what is it you do...?" -
"I'm a [I forget what it was exactly that he said but this answer was also filled with a lot of "um..."'s and "uh..."'s and lots and LOTS of vowel sounds and fumbling and he says it all, well, it all comes out, but in the end it's] ... basically what that is is a sound engineer. I do shows. Yeah." Maybe he'd never looked up the word confidence before.
"Why don't you pull over there [points] in front of gate three." And that sentence didn't end with a question mark because it wasn't a question.
to be continued...
"Am I a huge creep?" -j
"Wait. Hold on..." -r
*...waiting...*
"Am I a huge creep or something?" -j
*no response* -r
"Am? I? Some? Kind? Of a creep???" -j
"I don't understand the question." -r
"Am I creepy? Do I come off that way?" -j
"Why do you ask?" -r
"Well, certain members of the female population haven't exactly seemed to be enjoying my presence lately. Am I a creep or something? I mean, am I like, totally creepy?" -j
"Oh... hold on." Does some lab chores and helps a customer. -r
*holding* -j
"Well, I've gotta go. Have a good night!" -r
"
" -j
=============================================
Also, from the "at work" files:
Caption 1 (lower) is a word bubble, it reads: "God! Missy's HOT!"
Caption 2 (upper) is a thought bubble, it reads: "Tim's not bad either!"
I may have to kill some motherfuckers for that.
=============================================
one of the stories i went into at the bar the other night:
Steff left a message out of nowhere mostly, wanting me to (drive her into Canada and to) call her right back. Adventure time and I was always in the mood around that time. Sometime in the summer, '00.
Left my first bag at home, picked up some much better marijuana from ____. Pocket it, roll it between my fingers and salivate all the way home.
Steff didn't know about this habit of mine and had long since dropped her own.
And getting to her house she announced Canada like a carrot to chase. Roll the bag between my fingers in my pocket and browse her cassette collection. She has Pearl Jam, Yield, so it's official:
This trip is a go-go.
We're going in to (pick up) visit Michael. No no. Don't shorten that. He wouldn't approve. He will, and would correct you.
Uptight gypsies, I'd never have guessed.
Stayed the night at MICHAEL's apartment. Shitty one bedroom in a neighborhood surrounded by and embedded with shade. Slept on the floor with them writhing beside me, dwelt on the bag but took no advantage. Hiding from Steff I had no advantage.
Sleep get up wake up drive back bring Michael.
The border is approaching us and we're driving toward it and (we'd stopped for gas along the way and rolling the bag between my fingers I decided to hide it somewhere and it ended up in the bottom of a bag of pretzels) Steff is eating some pretzels and the bag (of pretzels) is crinkling but along with that I hear a distinctly different crinkling noise. I look at Steff. Steff looks at the pretzels.
Our facial expressions change on queue.
"Uh... whatthefuck is this?" -s
"Ohfuck... thatmustbe____'s! fuck. hemusthaveleftthatinhere, theotherdaywhen, i, tookhim, um, to pick that up, ohfuckohfuck!" -j
Because that's what stream-of-conscious excuses sound like. And because I just passed the entrance to the duty free shop. And because ahead I see they've already pulled cars over waiting between gates 7 and 5.
[it was meant to weigh 10 grams and cost $50]
"PUT IT BACK IN!" -j
*puts it back in* -s
And we pull over behind the longest line (2 cars, line moves quickly). Come to the gaurd:
"Please state your full name." -g
"J____ C____ M_______." -j
"And what was your business in Canada?"
"We stayed the night and visited our friend here. Really we were just visiting. We haven't really come out here much."
"And where were you coming from?"
"V______" (? (I forget))
Other miscellaneous questions ensue, I answer them, Steff answers the same questions and the guard smiles warmly and finishes the American side of the interview process.
"Okay, and you, sir? What is your name?"
"Michael [something, something]" -m, he's very Cobain-esque.
"And what is your purpose for visiting the states?" -g
"Oh... um. Well, I'm going to be staying with my friend here [points at Steff]." -m
"Okay, and what will the duration of your visit be?" -g
"I forget, [looks at Steff] what had we said, [looks at guard] two weeks?" -m
"Okay, and how much money are you carrying in?" -g
"Let me see... [grabs wallet, opens it] ... forty dollars." -m
The guard's face turns quizzical. She looks behind herself motioning to another guard who comes over bringing a stone face while my pulse begins to increase and I'm hoping no one's noticing my palms beginning to sweat on the wheel.
"Okay, we'll come back to that... Where do you work?" -g
"I don't [realizing this is the wrong answer]... I mean, I do. I'm self-employed, but things have been slow lately."
"Okay, well... who was your last employer [looks at Michael squarely]? Er... I forgot, you're self-employed... who was the last person you did a job for?"
"[he can't answer the question, just fumbles and makes a lot of vowel sounds]"
Cutting him off with the next question, all the guards look around and this is turning into a scene. I look at Steff who is obviously as clueless as Michael as to the situation we're about to be in. I'm envisioning dogs. Several very well trained dogs. That's what I'm thinking.
"Well what is it you do...?" -
"I'm a [I forget what it was exactly that he said but this answer was also filled with a lot of "um..."'s and "uh..."'s and lots and LOTS of vowel sounds and fumbling and he says it all, well, it all comes out, but in the end it's] ... basically what that is is a sound engineer. I do shows. Yeah." Maybe he'd never looked up the word confidence before.
"Why don't you pull over there [points] in front of gate three." And that sentence didn't end with a question mark because it wasn't a question.
to be continued...
VIEW 21 of 21 COMMENTS
gogo:
thankies 
roby:
i'm HOME! i am. ned's here too.