billybillybilly

bah.

seriously guys, i've been trying to think of something to say here for quite a while. really hard, and i'm coming up blank every...

single...

time.

sure there are things going on, but they are almost entirely pointless to talk about. would anyone be interested? sure, but it's not my place and i've promised myself that i'm not even going to be fuel for these problems. i make no apologies for my actions. not on this.

i'm pretty much drained of anything interesting to tell you now, or anything to liven up your senses.

this is just me, venting.

i've got no tools to fix the patches in my personal life. if i get better, then merry fucking christmas to me.

do you need something from me? feel free to ask, but all i've got is me. i can't give you what i don't have. blood. turnip.

sometimes, you know... you just do the best you can. you're put on the spot, whatever is about to happen you don't see coming. you deal. you do your best. you find yourself in situations beyond your control. you act accordingly and you do your best.

in the end, you fail.

and that's okay. because if the people around who promise their love can't see that you were acting in their interestest and not yours, then they aren't looking for the good beneath actions they assume wrongly.



i used to be kind of fun.

so, my plan is distraction. my plan is reciprocation. the last several relationships i've had have all come to this drawn out point of me, giving and giving to one person and feeling like i get nothing back.

then i get crazy. then i hide, and i'm sick of both. someone out there might be willing, when i'm obviously stressed, when i'm obviously worn out, when i'm angry or hopeless, just to come up and put a hand on my shoulder and look me in my fuckin' eye and tell me that it doesn't matter. that tomorrow will happen and that maybe they respect my decisions.

fuck that would be nice.

ah well, my decisions are usually short-sighted anyway. either way, i do my best. push comes to shove and i'll act. don't expect me to make the right decision, but i'll do my best. and if you're not coming with me, then i'll wait. like i always do.

but make me wait too long, and i'm leaving. eventually it has to happen. i can't live for other people for so long without a recharge and continue to be happy and caring. it just doesn't work like that.

think of it like that one really kick ass Violent Femmes song that i can't remember the title of.

beyond that, i've got me, and even drowning i'm still here. anyone needs me and you've got my number.