billybillybilly

in a restaraunt about a week ago, i was sitting nursing a meal and cigarettes, neither of which were going down easy. it was sometime during the binge, and my stomach wasn't being very accepting.

the waitress walks in, on the other side of the room, our eyes meet. she gets a rather disturbed look on her face and goes about her way. clears a table and gives another glance over her shoulder and then walks back in...

"honey, are you having a bad day?"

apparently it was all over my face. and it's been that way for a while now.

at work yesterday, between text messages, i look up. it was one of those moments where you feel like you're being watched.

"what's wrong dear?"

missy had the strangest look of concern on her face.

"uh... nothing. just text messaging. why? did i look weird or something?" i say, but i'm stifling something...

"yeah, you looked wrong. are you sure you're okay?" she asks.

"i'm okay. thanks dear." play it off, smile big and charm her, "how are you sweetie?" she smiles back at this and says she's fine and walks away.

today i called my sister.

immediately, she's wondering what's wrong, and i tell her i'm calling because it's been a while since i've done that. she says she's glad i did, that she misses me. i miss her to. i want to see her, and my nephew, and my mother who's had something wrong with her hip. she's been down for two weeks and i'm really fucking worried about her. sister mentioned it and i had to choke back a few tears, apparently i'm not very stable right now.

we wrap up the conversation and i tell her it's just been a weird day.

"i could tell," she says, "there's something in your voice. it's just off."

*

today, at the Institute of Arts, walking around and into the Impressionist exhibit, i look down at this art student, chubby kid with a giant drawing tablet on his lap.

brings his hand to his face like he's masking a cough, bring his hand down and looks and i look. there's drops of blood all over his palm. it's starting to drip down his face and onto his lips.

memory flashed to a scene that's been recurring in my bathroom.

the gaurds come over. apparently there's a code for "art student with nosebleed." i forget the number, but i quick took notes while they comforted him and advised him to stay in one place and tilt his head back.

"you've gotta learn to see the world. if you can't see the world you can't illustrate it. learn to see." that's what my art teacher in high school would tell me. i've never been that good at drawing. i've had my moments at painting, but never could quite draw.

continuing through the museum, i stopped and looked hard at a painting, sat on the bench in front of it and wrote down some thoughts. the longer i sat there, the harder i stared, the more people would walk past, and i could sense them slowing as they walked by. i was the only person actually looking at the painting.

i'd become a temporary exhibit.

i don't know what look i had on my face, but the gaurds were circling the whole time.



* * *

all this time, friends, all of you who actually take the time to read, i have an apology.

all this time, all i've described are the symptoms, and have not ONCE, directly touched on what the actual problem is.

and i can't tell you.

not yet.

but there's a good chance that i will.



* * * * *

my subscription to this website is set to re-bill on March 3rd. i may let it run out then, i may let it run out in April, after my birthday.

but unless my mind is changed before then, all secrets will be revealed before my time elapses. unless my mind is changed, i'm kicking this nasty habit of a website by that time. this place is like heroin, all of the best and worst experiences, and the hardest thing to give up.

i retrieved a magazine last night from a friend's place. the magazine in question is the first place i ever learned or heard of this site. so it's fitting for me to be posting this now.

thanks to those of you who've been reading all along. there'll be something in it for you.


*
update (what, thirty minutes later...?) : got a package from home. pictures from christmas, me and my nephew. it cheered me up quite a bit. glad for that.

not to diminish anything i've stated previously, but it's been a bright point in this otherwise very grey day.