billybillybilly

There's something about me that is stupid and childish, there is at least one thing. This morning I woke up. (No, that's not the part.) I was sort of rolling around and I felt really warm and absolutely did NOT want to leave my bed. Didn't want to, sure, but I needed to. Work per usual, but my mood should have lasted.

This morning I was happy.

And the day progressed, and down down down. Here I am though, I'm here. There's nothing I'm waiting for, there have been no major revelations, the world is not ending, my legs are still tucked up next to me writing this, I have nothing in my stomach but it's of little worry. I've not needed to change any lightbulbs, my writing is still cryptic, cigarettes still taste like cigarettes, my pillows smell wonderful, the boys are resting, I have a slight urge to masturbate (usual), my hair is a little off but who cares, and it's just GONE.

I was happy this morning.

Now it's gone.

There are certain people in this world that just MAKE you happy. YOU have one. I have one. WE all have one, and they are your/my/our miracle. They taste like heaven to our grey days. Maybe they've done little to nothing to deserve it and maybe at the same time they are everything you need them to be, even when it isn't easy.

Don't get me wrong here. I am not sad. I just wish so much. I wish SO fucking much, and not getting it, I am selfish. My happiness is selfish, and I am overdramatising lives. I feed off saddness, and I can't resist my own sex drive. I am not a monk and I am not a hindu cow, I want to love as much as feel loved.

* * * * *

Well, that sounded pretty helpless. Fuck if I am though. I've got options here. I'm not sad. And as far as it goes I'll take it, either way. It was a great morning.