billybillybilly

the wind is shaking the building. windows rattle the way my bones feel these days, birdcage similarities.

the last i slept was broken and writhing and late for nothing, wanting to be awake, hoping and waiting to be awake again even when i couldn't stay awake anymore. i tried so hard to pull in everything i could about life, catch all the details, even the...
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there it goes. had a nice run though. gave it my best.

moments like this, i'm happy for me.

wish i could say everything in my head, but i'm not there yet.

you should be happy for me too.

the recipe, PART a)

oil and water:

myself, and my selfish wants. (drama drama drama)
best decisions, and needs i could go without. (primitive or sofisticated?)
plans, and inevitability. (you know you will)
self-control, and stimulation. (look, but don't touch)
clothing, and imagery. (but not always)
he, and me. (don't leave us alone)
she, and her. (don't leave me lonely)
lifestyle, and life-expectancy. (someday things...
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I will die on the Galapogos islands.

That's a dream I've had for a long time. I've got a vision of the end of my life, that I'm alone and that I'm happy. I've got this dream of waking up everyday surrounded by water. I've got this hope of communicating with life stranger than the usual garden variety species.

I can see myself in the...
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Thank you goes to neodrunk for the use of the vehicle while you were laid up. Also thanks for the wonderful conversation, it has been enlightening. You are a WONDERFUL friend.

Thank you goes to Danielle for cooking me wonderful dinners the last couple nights. And following me to the car place. It is GREATLY appreciated.

Thank you goes to SGTC for entertaining me so...
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You're alive and I exist. You would disagree with that, and maybe you'd see it opposite of me. Opinions are directly opposed on that, and yet we survive.

Last night you wanted to know what was wrong with me, my face turned so red. Was it really that bright? That was unintentional, I couldn't control it.

Could have been due to the smothering pillows I...
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...and what have YOU been waiting for?

moral: expect nothing, and you will be rewarded either way.

*

rant: blissful ignorance

5 minutes, and i leave for work. induced lucid, the roads slip slide underneath my tires. i don't move, it's the rest of the world that turns and takes sharp 90 degree turns beneath me, i'm not weaving i'm not weaving. it's the ground...
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Grrfuck.

Cute hostess girl, you will be mine!

*

Seriously though. What's so difficult about handing someone your number? EH??? Am I really that insecure about it?




Guess so.

*

And for real, I had my number written out on a piece of paper. Folded over it would have gone something like this:

So, um...

(flip open)

X12.3XX.2XX1 [edited obviously] - Name

And what did...
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Passages from an all-nighter

"OH! Look! Kids! ...they're all gonna die..."
Heh, "you know dear, on a long enough time frame you'll get your wish."
"Oh... I can wait. I've got aaaaall day."

Passed that school, its playground outside and we're cackling crazy like lunatics at sunrise. We are.

*

Two things;
Why can't you just stay and deal with my drama?
Do I really...
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I've been writing a lot lately, but I think maybe it's better to keep it off the journals. For now.

Something is very heavily weighing on my mind right now. I may have to leave town. I've hit nearly rock bottom financially and I really hate to say that. I have to make a decision by March 1st. That's the day me and the roomie...
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scene from the late 1990's. a graduation party.

i fucking know you.

she's drunk, she is so drunk, and this is too easy. all i'm doing now is waiting, and i'm watching and staying close because it's all i have to do.

soon, i'm going to wrap you up.

take her out, put her down. get her alone, give a look, put my eyes inside...
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