billybillybilly

have you seen your mother, girl?
has she gone away...?
gone away and found the pearl, but the price she paid...

how far will you go (i say!)?
just to bait a mouse...?
shorter lived and longer gone... can you figure out?

have you lost your sister, girl?
she's all but blown away...
blown away and lost the pearl, and the price she paid...

*...
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There's this picture on Judas' wall. It's a watercolor painting of a boy with dark-frame glasses, and everytime I've ever looked at it I've seen me. It doesn't particularly look like me when I think about it objectively, but for some reason it just is. Maybe that's the narcissist in me. Maybe that's what I want.

I can never tell what he's thinking.

I...
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They. Are. Fighting.

What I hear is muffled. I hear my dad's voice cracking and angry. I hear my mother being as quiet as possible not to upset us but it comes out acid, still.

In the basement, sneak away to where it's safe. Arguing about me, I'll not be in contact. Walk outside, a breeze rushing past I throw my back, but gently, against...
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DISCLAIMER: THIS IS GOING TO BE A DEPRESSING FUCKING ENTRY. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Doctor Jekkel and Mister Drunk.

They've been fighting a LOT lately. They've been making things difficult for everyone. There's someone else in there too, and he wants the fuck out.

Ever get the feeling, that no matter how much you talk about something, no matter how much you think about...
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1 bottle (200ml) of Jagermeister. Gone but for a shot.
2 shots, as well as several pulls off of the Leroux blackberry brandy.
1 shot of Sambuca.
1 scooby snack (shot).
2 vodka/sodas.
Several pulls off the rum/coke.

Valentine's Day.

Spent it in oblivion. No bathrooms, but I still managed to spit bile all over my best friend. I miss them, and I've missed them...
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SO!

Valentine's day? Valentines day? Something like that, and midnight hit and there it was. Like some kind of bright light shone upon me and mine eyes were blinded which allowed me to TRULY see the wonderful magnificence of life and its many facets. Like a big-ass diamond that...

Something.

"Everything I ever did,
and everything I ever said,
is gone and dead.

"My life...
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continuing on from the last journal... this is the rest:

Details in the interim are speculative, there was a lot of paranoia in the car between the three of us waiting, but then we got out and now we stand outside the car, under the roof of this open space in front of a long sterile stainless steel table and the guard is snapping rubber...
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The following conversation occured between my boss and myself today, Thursday, February 10th, somewhere between 4:15pm and 4:25pm:

"Am I a huge creep?" -j

"Wait. Hold on..." -r

*...waiting...*

"Am I a huge creep or something?" -j

*no response* -r

"Am? I? Some? Kind? Of a creep???" -j

"I don't understand the question." -r

"Am I creepy? Do I come off that way?" -j

"Why...
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you've got such a barbwire smile.

* * * * *

a break-up poem from a million years ago:

ten feet away

on the sidewalk
laughs echo hysteric.
-like animals frightened, the

sounds bouce circles
through the moment this time.

i. am. locked. away.
three metric tons of
steel and glass
wrapped around my frame.
breathe fire.
spit out toxic thoughts.

starve with anxiety,
eat...
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rejected.

fuck i've had a lot of that lately.

i'm down, wearing a sign.

update, an hour or so later:

for the first time since shortly after joining this site, i've made contact with my ex girlfriend. our breakup was the reason i first became active here, looking for people to talk to and trying to work through a very lonely time.

shortly before we broke up, i painted what i consider to be the most important painting i've...
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gay bars.

always an interesting experience... but we'll come back to that.

spent hours and hours in the apartment. "i sit around and watch the phone, but no one's calling. call me pathetic, call me what you will." that's about what it felt like. that song. and masturbation losing its fun. an unfortunate thing.

nap. wake.

shower, dry.

out the door. bus. run. miss. bus...
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