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bigpappachappa

assville CT

Member Since 2004

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Wednesday Jan 26, 2005

Jan 26, 2005
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If i died, who would realy care? My mom has told me she doesnt want to talk to me because I got her a dvd player for christmass, and she dosent have any. She realy dosent care, obvously. I havent herd from either brother in over a month. And all my friends have been either hurt by me or feel like I am a burden. I am sure they would all cry and all, but in the back of everyones mind must be "god at least I dont have to deal with him any more" I am loud and obnoxous. I hate MYSELF, so I dont even see why anyone else would not. I know kathleen loves me but I always feel like she is tapping her foot to go somewhere else away from me. "Im so lonesome I could cry...". I should stop lisening to johny cash...
I fell like more of a pain in the ass then I am worth. All my friends here at school seem to be iterested in one of the two girls I usualy hang out with. I just kinda come with them like some unwanted accesory. I honestly fell that my life is nothing but a burden to all those around me. To keep up like this is a very selfish way to live. And for someone who puts the feelings of others above my own, this presents a difficulty in justify continued existance. I know i am lucky and hundreds of people would kill to be where I am. The way I see it is if I am out of the way, then more room for the more deserving.
Too bad I am too much of a selfish wuss to actualy do anythig about it. All I will ever do is pray for an accedent. One can only hope, maybe Ill be off everyones back soon enough...
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
g00000ne:
You sound just like me. My father actually served my mother with papers when I was 19 to change my last name he wanted nothing so much to do with me. Here at 30 I still have his name. My mom and I didn't talk for 4 years and I had to leave home at 17 and was homeless for awhile. It was so hard. I made myself to therapy and get myself together for me, no one but me.

It changed my life what I did for me and when you get sick and tired of being sick you will come around. I would love to email you with my horror stories of what I think of myself but I know one's pain is enough.

hang in there....i have been where you are.
Jan 29, 2005
bigpappachappa:
Thank you, all of you. I went to a theripist after my first actualy suicidal experience wednesday. I got a lot more out of it then I thought I would. I told him my story and he turned around and told me a lot more things about myself then could have possibly known or interpreted from what I said. I feel lot better then I have ever have right now.
Jan 29, 2005

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