THINGS YOU CAN'T IMAGINE TOM HANKS DOING
10. Wiping his bottom.
9. Picking his nose and eating it.
8. Going back into the toilet to see if it still smells.
7. Buying a pornographic magazine.
6. Having a farting competition.
5. Pretending to be a spastic for a joke.
4. Sniffing the back of his fingers after scratching his balls.
3. Treading in dog mess.
2. Shaving his genitals.
1. Stripping off, pulling his arse cheeks apart, and pushing them up against the window of a Christian bookshop.
HOW TO EXPLAIN THE FACTS OF LIFE TO A CHILD
10. "You remember what Woofy did to the arm of the sofa? Well, that's what mummy and daddy do to each other to make babies."
9. "It's like shaking a bottle of lemonade very hard, and then letting it
gush up it into a rubber glove."
8. "Observe as I hammer this pound of sausages into the turkey's neck-hole..."
7. "Try to imagine a big, pink lorry driving into a very narrow tunnel
surrounded by black, wiry grass, and... ohhh... yessssss!"
6. "...And then a billion tiny fishies try to kiss the egg."
5. "Now, watch very closesly as I take your mother from behind."
4. "So, basically, I do exactly the same thing as that, except I do it
between your mother's legs. Get me a tissue, would you, son?"
3. "And after we've done all that, your mother removes the diaphragm,
rinses it off, and puts it back in the bedside drawer."
2. "And then the bee stimulates the bird's clitoris until its vagina is properly lubricated..."
1. Fetch me the dog."
HOW TO TELL A CHILD THAT THEIR PET DOG IS DEAD
10. "Woofy has had to go to Heaven because you didn't love him enough."
9. "DAD'S DEAD!!!! No, wait - it's just the dog that's dead. You see - it
isn't so bad!"
8. "The dog's dead. Here's five pounds."
7. "Promise me that if you cry at what I tell you next, that I can hit you in the mouth with a stick."
6. "The dog had to be put down because he was sexually abusing your mother."
5. "The dog's turned invisible."
4. "You see, Rover was like a sort of chicken kiev, and since daddy ran over him in the car and he burst. there's now more of him on the outside..."
3. "He's still the same dog, darling, only now we don't have to walk or feed him anymore, and he's going to live in the garden. In a hole. Which I shall fill in."
2. "Big news! I just read that Boyzone say dogs aren't cool, so we had the dog put down and we've bought you this: a geography text book!"
1. "The dog unexpectedly pupated and turned into a big moth and flew away. How cool is that?"
SINGLE-ENTENDRES EDITED OUT OF THE NEW JAMES BOND FILM
10. "So there you are, Bond. I see you're displaying your testicles again."
9. "I like my Martinis like I like my women - oiled and naked and gagging for it. And they also have to have big tits."
8. "What do you think of my gun? It's shaped a little like a penis, don't you think?"
7. "You're Swedish you say? I bet that means you like to have lots of SEX!"
6. "Is that a pistol in your pocket, Mr Bond, or do you just have an erection?"
5. "There's nothing like a big bang first thing in the morning. Or a blowjob. Either is fine."
4. "Put up a brave front, Moneypenny. It shouldn't be difficult with those jugs. By which I mean ladies breasts. May I?"
3. "Brrr. It's jolly cold in here. Look - my parts have shrivelled away to nothing, and your nips are sticking out like rolled-up fivers!"
2. "Ah, Q, I hope you've got some sexual euphemisms for me, because I'm all out."
1. "I'd heard that American ladies are full of spunk. Well, you certainly are now."
WAYS FOR CHILDREN'S ENTERTAINERS TO RUIN A CHILD'S PARTY
10. Ask the birthday boy or girl to pick a card, and then make it look as if he or she made you drop them, and call him or her a "Silly fucking monkey".
9. During your act, burst a blood capsule in your mouth, and pretend your lungs have burst.
8. Pull a live dove from under your cape, and smack it hard against the wall.
7. Try to look up the child's mother's dress to see "If there's any magic up there"
6. Ask if you can use the toilet, and arrange to get caught injecting heroin into your groin.
5. Try to lead the guests in a singalong of "Smells Like Teen Spirit", and mime shooting your head off during it.
4. Wow them with your impressions of famous Nazi officers, such as Himmler and Goerring.
3. Ask the birthday boy or girl to pick a card, and then fire the entire pack in his or her face, and while they're confused pull their trousers down and encourage the other kids to laugh at them.
2. Make balloon animals for the children, and have them simulate sex with the words: "Look - they're bumming each other up!"
1. Pull your trousers down and sit on the jelly.
THINGS THAT ARE WORSE THAN BITING INTO AN APPLE AND FINDING A WORM
10. Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
9. Biting into an apple, and choking to death.
8. Biting into an apple, and remembering youre allergic to apples, and then your face swells up and you go blind.
7. Biting into an apple, and getting your legs shot off by the owner of the orchard.
6. Biting into an apple, and breaking all your teeth because it isnt an apple, but a coconut.
5. Biting into an apple, and suffering temporary full body paralysis.
4. Biting into an apple, the noise of which startles a nearby flock of crows, which swoop down and violently peck at your face and hands.
3. Biting into an apple, and suffering terrible pangs of guilt because, yknow, what if apples can feel pain, man?
2. Biting into an apple while listening to country music.
1. Being beaten senseless with an iron pipe, before being anally violated by a gang of 20 mournful and gin-soaked dockworkers..
FUNNY THINGS TO DO WHILE BUYING NEW SHOES
10. Take off your old shoes and throw them really hard at the racks of new shoes.
9. Ask an assistant to help you try on a new shoe, and as they're fitting it suddenly freeze and slowly topple sideways off the seat making a low squeaking sound. Afterwards, ask her if she knows why that happened.
8. Smuggle in a number of old and tatty shoes and place them on the shelves among the new shoes.
7. Tie several pairs of shoes to a long trench coat using different lengths of ribbon. Then wander around the shoe shop shouting "Special deals today at
this shoe shop! Just ask for details! Special deals today!" and see how long it is before they throw you out.
6. As you go to pay for the shoes, and the assistant is about to take the money, suddenly shout "SHOES!" at her as loud as you possibly can.
5. And then act as if nothing happened.
4. Release a peacock into the shop and run away.
3. Act really suspicious, and when you're certain you have their attention, start spooning lime jelly into a corner of the shop. When they try to throw you out ask if they want to have a foodfight.
2. Hide a load of offal up your trousers, and gradually release it as you walk up and down testing out a pair of shoes.
1. Keep stroking the assistant's wrist as they help fit the shoes, and when you've paid for your shoes, unfold a crude collage of Page 3 women from your pocket, and leave it on the counter with a hiss.
10. Wiping his bottom.
9. Picking his nose and eating it.
8. Going back into the toilet to see if it still smells.
7. Buying a pornographic magazine.
6. Having a farting competition.
5. Pretending to be a spastic for a joke.
4. Sniffing the back of his fingers after scratching his balls.
3. Treading in dog mess.
2. Shaving his genitals.
1. Stripping off, pulling his arse cheeks apart, and pushing them up against the window of a Christian bookshop.
HOW TO EXPLAIN THE FACTS OF LIFE TO A CHILD
10. "You remember what Woofy did to the arm of the sofa? Well, that's what mummy and daddy do to each other to make babies."
9. "It's like shaking a bottle of lemonade very hard, and then letting it
gush up it into a rubber glove."
8. "Observe as I hammer this pound of sausages into the turkey's neck-hole..."
7. "Try to imagine a big, pink lorry driving into a very narrow tunnel
surrounded by black, wiry grass, and... ohhh... yessssss!"
6. "...And then a billion tiny fishies try to kiss the egg."
5. "Now, watch very closesly as I take your mother from behind."
4. "So, basically, I do exactly the same thing as that, except I do it
between your mother's legs. Get me a tissue, would you, son?"
3. "And after we've done all that, your mother removes the diaphragm,
rinses it off, and puts it back in the bedside drawer."
2. "And then the bee stimulates the bird's clitoris until its vagina is properly lubricated..."
1. Fetch me the dog."
HOW TO TELL A CHILD THAT THEIR PET DOG IS DEAD
10. "Woofy has had to go to Heaven because you didn't love him enough."
9. "DAD'S DEAD!!!! No, wait - it's just the dog that's dead. You see - it
isn't so bad!"
8. "The dog's dead. Here's five pounds."
7. "Promise me that if you cry at what I tell you next, that I can hit you in the mouth with a stick."
6. "The dog had to be put down because he was sexually abusing your mother."
5. "The dog's turned invisible."
4. "You see, Rover was like a sort of chicken kiev, and since daddy ran over him in the car and he burst. there's now more of him on the outside..."
3. "He's still the same dog, darling, only now we don't have to walk or feed him anymore, and he's going to live in the garden. In a hole. Which I shall fill in."
2. "Big news! I just read that Boyzone say dogs aren't cool, so we had the dog put down and we've bought you this: a geography text book!"
1. "The dog unexpectedly pupated and turned into a big moth and flew away. How cool is that?"
SINGLE-ENTENDRES EDITED OUT OF THE NEW JAMES BOND FILM
10. "So there you are, Bond. I see you're displaying your testicles again."
9. "I like my Martinis like I like my women - oiled and naked and gagging for it. And they also have to have big tits."
8. "What do you think of my gun? It's shaped a little like a penis, don't you think?"
7. "You're Swedish you say? I bet that means you like to have lots of SEX!"
6. "Is that a pistol in your pocket, Mr Bond, or do you just have an erection?"
5. "There's nothing like a big bang first thing in the morning. Or a blowjob. Either is fine."
4. "Put up a brave front, Moneypenny. It shouldn't be difficult with those jugs. By which I mean ladies breasts. May I?"
3. "Brrr. It's jolly cold in here. Look - my parts have shrivelled away to nothing, and your nips are sticking out like rolled-up fivers!"
2. "Ah, Q, I hope you've got some sexual euphemisms for me, because I'm all out."
1. "I'd heard that American ladies are full of spunk. Well, you certainly are now."
WAYS FOR CHILDREN'S ENTERTAINERS TO RUIN A CHILD'S PARTY
10. Ask the birthday boy or girl to pick a card, and then make it look as if he or she made you drop them, and call him or her a "Silly fucking monkey".
9. During your act, burst a blood capsule in your mouth, and pretend your lungs have burst.
8. Pull a live dove from under your cape, and smack it hard against the wall.
7. Try to look up the child's mother's dress to see "If there's any magic up there"
6. Ask if you can use the toilet, and arrange to get caught injecting heroin into your groin.
5. Try to lead the guests in a singalong of "Smells Like Teen Spirit", and mime shooting your head off during it.
4. Wow them with your impressions of famous Nazi officers, such as Himmler and Goerring.
3. Ask the birthday boy or girl to pick a card, and then fire the entire pack in his or her face, and while they're confused pull their trousers down and encourage the other kids to laugh at them.
2. Make balloon animals for the children, and have them simulate sex with the words: "Look - they're bumming each other up!"
1. Pull your trousers down and sit on the jelly.
THINGS THAT ARE WORSE THAN BITING INTO AN APPLE AND FINDING A WORM
10. Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
9. Biting into an apple, and choking to death.
8. Biting into an apple, and remembering youre allergic to apples, and then your face swells up and you go blind.
7. Biting into an apple, and getting your legs shot off by the owner of the orchard.
6. Biting into an apple, and breaking all your teeth because it isnt an apple, but a coconut.
5. Biting into an apple, and suffering temporary full body paralysis.
4. Biting into an apple, the noise of which startles a nearby flock of crows, which swoop down and violently peck at your face and hands.
3. Biting into an apple, and suffering terrible pangs of guilt because, yknow, what if apples can feel pain, man?
2. Biting into an apple while listening to country music.
1. Being beaten senseless with an iron pipe, before being anally violated by a gang of 20 mournful and gin-soaked dockworkers..
FUNNY THINGS TO DO WHILE BUYING NEW SHOES
10. Take off your old shoes and throw them really hard at the racks of new shoes.
9. Ask an assistant to help you try on a new shoe, and as they're fitting it suddenly freeze and slowly topple sideways off the seat making a low squeaking sound. Afterwards, ask her if she knows why that happened.
8. Smuggle in a number of old and tatty shoes and place them on the shelves among the new shoes.
7. Tie several pairs of shoes to a long trench coat using different lengths of ribbon. Then wander around the shoe shop shouting "Special deals today at
this shoe shop! Just ask for details! Special deals today!" and see how long it is before they throw you out.
6. As you go to pay for the shoes, and the assistant is about to take the money, suddenly shout "SHOES!" at her as loud as you possibly can.
5. And then act as if nothing happened.
4. Release a peacock into the shop and run away.
3. Act really suspicious, and when you're certain you have their attention, start spooning lime jelly into a corner of the shop. When they try to throw you out ask if they want to have a foodfight.
2. Hide a load of offal up your trousers, and gradually release it as you walk up and down testing out a pair of shoes.
1. Keep stroking the assistant's wrist as they help fit the shoes, and when you've paid for your shoes, unfold a crude collage of Page 3 women from your pocket, and leave it on the counter with a hiss.
\\m/