bigdamhero

it's sad... the very thing that would remove all my troubles is such a terrifying thing.. .but i know i am completely capable of it. I Beleive in God, thats a fact, but i dont understadn is how God could allow such ironies to occur in out lives. He loves me, but he doesnt guide me, lead me, help me... only when i am at rock bottom can i hear him... and i listen, all the time... i dont ignore his existence when i dont need him, but it feels as though he truly is absent when im looking. I understand women, they are so emotional, capable of so much, and yet they never seemto be able to make p thier minds. I'm between a rock and ahard place.... i could walk away but i fear that i could be turning my back on a large part of my future... but if i hold on i wil continu to ache until i know, and even then i run the risk of being pushed away from the very same possibility i am afraid of leaving. I almost wish that i would just be hurt and get over it. I welcome the pain of denial and rejection if only it will remove from me the aching of expectation and dread. I would thoroughly enjoy the ability to no longer care.. and i kno that i am capable of not caring... but i i do, what will i become. I've been that monster, I locked that creature away in the abyss of my person... to let it out would mean my salvation, but at the same time the destruction of everything i hold to be true... thi other side that hides in the shadows of my psyche... it is begging to be released... to be allowed to devour my fear, doubt, hope, and concern leaving behind only me... but the me that is left behind... is a me that has shown to be capable of such atrocities that i can't bear to release him on the word. So her ei am on the raggedy edge... suffering the anguish of uncertainty... i am playingt he martyr... and i am so wanting to cast off this yoke i bear.