False sense of...hope? Security? I don't really know how to word it, all I know is the girl im in love with is a thousand miles away, and she broke it off over Yahoo Messenger. I cried..and cried..and cried, not just because of what had happened, but for the last 4 years of my life, it all just kind of came out. The DUI, Iraq, falling so hard for someone your convinced that all the signs that are screaming at you that its not going to work, you ignore. But mostly about her, I didn't know what to do, for 2 days I was dead to the world, we'd talk on the phone for a minute, or on IM, instantly making me feel better, then she'd go, and I would slowly, slowly..fall again.
Everyone's been there, I have before too, and I kind of deserve it I suppose, she had a BF, and I know im a big part of why she broke up with him. Brought all this on my self I guess, how can I trust someone that cheated on there BF with me? I ask that, and I know a lot of people would, and most people..I think most people wouldn't give her the benefit of the doubt, but I would, and I am. I trust her, wholeheartedly, I just hope she knows that, I've told her several times that I do, but the way her life is heading right now, I don't think she believes me. She's been fucked over so many times, and she has herself convinced that she's a bad person who can only hurt people, but that's not all she's capable of. Yes she hurt me, yes she still is, but she knows what she has to do to change it...stop being scared and let me in, let us "BE", but we can't, I know we can't, but all I can do is give her time and hold out and hope, and pray.
So back to my false sense. Its been going..differently since yesterday, I wicked went out of my way for her, and actions speak louder than words, instead of feeding her the same old crap any guy would (like her ex, who I know is just pumping her head full of bickering "I love you, your amazing" bullshit he doesn't mean. Fucking kid)...ok hold on, change of pace...
This guy is a fucking retard, hes 20 and in the Marines, nothing against 20 year old Marines, but this guy is dumb as hell. She tells me one of his biggest flaws is his immaturity, and it SHOWS. The things he called her the week after they broke up, punching me, hanging out with her old best friend who she can't stand any more; all the while "oh I miss you", "lets start over/try again". Look dude, your done, you've made it very clear how you can just switch gears any time you want and have these relationship mood swings. I'm only 2 years older than him, but Ive been in the Military twice as long, and I've been over seas, and I know, I KNOW I've seen more shit than him. Things that I know he will never see or experience, things that deep down inside of me, changed me and aged me, I am not a typical 22 year old, I'm not claiming PTSD, but some shit ain't right. He is the worst choice for her right now, the only thing he has on me is he has a car lol.
So my false sense of "blah". Im starting to think its going to turn out alright, she'll come back and we'll get together and it'll be alright...wrong..WRONG! I'm only setting my self up for another heart crush, as much as I want that to happen, it wont, and in the end its okay, it will hurt more than the first time, but its okay. I will still hold out a little hope, and you never know? I call her my rubber band, everything that has seemed to happen in this awkward relationship has always seemed to lead us back to each other, not matter what has happened so far, the next day or a couple days later, shes always bounced back to me. I'm not saying this in a "she came crawling back" way, but it seems our fates just intertwined and wont let go of each other, THATS where my false sense comes from, THATS where I want to believe it will be ok. The only thing/person/event that would break this rubber band, this unbelievable series of coincidences, and the countless reasons we should be together...is "her", and her decision about "us".
Everyone's been there, I have before too, and I kind of deserve it I suppose, she had a BF, and I know im a big part of why she broke up with him. Brought all this on my self I guess, how can I trust someone that cheated on there BF with me? I ask that, and I know a lot of people would, and most people..I think most people wouldn't give her the benefit of the doubt, but I would, and I am. I trust her, wholeheartedly, I just hope she knows that, I've told her several times that I do, but the way her life is heading right now, I don't think she believes me. She's been fucked over so many times, and she has herself convinced that she's a bad person who can only hurt people, but that's not all she's capable of. Yes she hurt me, yes she still is, but she knows what she has to do to change it...stop being scared and let me in, let us "BE", but we can't, I know we can't, but all I can do is give her time and hold out and hope, and pray.
So back to my false sense. Its been going..differently since yesterday, I wicked went out of my way for her, and actions speak louder than words, instead of feeding her the same old crap any guy would (like her ex, who I know is just pumping her head full of bickering "I love you, your amazing" bullshit he doesn't mean. Fucking kid)...ok hold on, change of pace...
This guy is a fucking retard, hes 20 and in the Marines, nothing against 20 year old Marines, but this guy is dumb as hell. She tells me one of his biggest flaws is his immaturity, and it SHOWS. The things he called her the week after they broke up, punching me, hanging out with her old best friend who she can't stand any more; all the while "oh I miss you", "lets start over/try again". Look dude, your done, you've made it very clear how you can just switch gears any time you want and have these relationship mood swings. I'm only 2 years older than him, but Ive been in the Military twice as long, and I've been over seas, and I know, I KNOW I've seen more shit than him. Things that I know he will never see or experience, things that deep down inside of me, changed me and aged me, I am not a typical 22 year old, I'm not claiming PTSD, but some shit ain't right. He is the worst choice for her right now, the only thing he has on me is he has a car lol.
So my false sense of "blah". Im starting to think its going to turn out alright, she'll come back and we'll get together and it'll be alright...wrong..WRONG! I'm only setting my self up for another heart crush, as much as I want that to happen, it wont, and in the end its okay, it will hurt more than the first time, but its okay. I will still hold out a little hope, and you never know? I call her my rubber band, everything that has seemed to happen in this awkward relationship has always seemed to lead us back to each other, not matter what has happened so far, the next day or a couple days later, shes always bounced back to me. I'm not saying this in a "she came crawling back" way, but it seems our fates just intertwined and wont let go of each other, THATS where my false sense comes from, THATS where I want to believe it will be ok. The only thing/person/event that would break this rubber band, this unbelievable series of coincidences, and the countless reasons we should be together...is "her", and her decision about "us".