The evil beast insomnia has my ass again. Oh how I hate my job. I try to go to sleep but it all feels like a wash. I tried to pass out at like 9 this morning but I woke up at like 11.30. I'll try to go back to bed in a bit but suffice to say I'm both tired and wide awake. Wide Awake Tired. Living Exhausted.
Some notes:
- The Need For Attention Files -
I'm not sure why this is but apparently it is and therefore I feel a need to comment on it. Some people post dating profiles that are total bullshit. This bothers me. I read a lot of profiles trying to find that profile that and that person who seems like they'd be willing to share a latte and a conversation and a snuggle with me. But to read profiles that are nothing more then a waste of time bothers me. I guess it just makes me feel frustrated that I'm serious in a world full of merry pranksters. And online merry pranksters touch the happy little paces in the hidden recesses of the sociopathic people who live online. I might be a stalker but I'm honest. And I know this.
- Confirmation Is Painful -
I confirmed a few things last night at work that I knew but I didn't want to admit.The first is that work when slow at my job is hellish. My cook fell asleep 3 different times because we had so little to do. We did such a small amount of sales that we didn't even pay HIS salary. Fucking pointless. There's only so much you can write and read and clean. Mabye I'll go write fanfiction in a journal at work like the old days just to pass the fucking time.
Secondly, I confirmed that I am, in fact, a starer. I stare at people. I stare and peer and peep and look and micro-ogle. I know this because there was a decently looked girl at work tonight who had the option. I had some of the worst designs on her all night but I found out from listening intently that she does have a boyfriend. That doesn't bother me as she wasn't THAT cute. What does is the fact that I just kept staring at her. I wanted to hit on her, snuggle up next to her, drive my groin against her flat ass...but all I could do was stare. This is a problem for me. This is what my shyness and my social anxiety does to me. In working situations I'm fine but with people I'm even moderately attracted to, I turn into a freaking long barrel bird watcher. Literally. Like I need to buy some long range binoculars and just go to the beaches in some thong and titty tropical island and not flirt but peep.
The sad thing is, while I want to change...I don't. It feels perfectly normal to want to stare at someone to me. I stared at my ex a lot. She used to come in and sleep and a lot of times I'd pull a chair next to the bed and just look at her in the dim light. I like staring at people. I like staring at people and just being silent. One of my fantasies is just a long prolonged staring with a little bit of caressing thrown in. It's weird I know...but it's me.
Now...to figure out how to hide it for the Holiday party...
- Plans, or How To Kill Time Humanely -
I work a massive amount of hours for my days off. Saturday night for the ATL party, the 21st - 24th for my trip back home and more partying. Between then is a lot of fucking shifts. It's money in the bank and I'm glad to have the cnance to justify my excesses; It's great t pay bills, pay debtors do infrastructure AND be able to get butt wasted. The downside, of course, is that it's a lot of fucking work. I hate working Friday nights and I have to work at least two of the next 3 friday nights. Possibly more. But that also means I'll be making mad loot.
All of this brings me to a point: I'm thinking I want to go to Atlanta mad early Saturday morning, leave my stuff at the spot and then go out and do some shopping whilst riding the Marta. God I love Marta.
Then I want to take my booty and my presents and my booze back to the spot and get drunk and hopefully find a makeout partner. But to do this, I need prior approval first. I hope to get this soon.
- Tots and Jittles -
Insomnia sucks. Stacker 3's are hell. Crushes hurt. Posing nude is fun. Webcams suck.
Also, thanks for the link for the site for Chattarock. I'm so glad to see that there IS a little scene here. Now, I just have to get to it....
Later all. Time to writhe on my bed some more...
Some notes:
- The Need For Attention Files -
I'm not sure why this is but apparently it is and therefore I feel a need to comment on it. Some people post dating profiles that are total bullshit. This bothers me. I read a lot of profiles trying to find that profile that and that person who seems like they'd be willing to share a latte and a conversation and a snuggle with me. But to read profiles that are nothing more then a waste of time bothers me. I guess it just makes me feel frustrated that I'm serious in a world full of merry pranksters. And online merry pranksters touch the happy little paces in the hidden recesses of the sociopathic people who live online. I might be a stalker but I'm honest. And I know this.
- Confirmation Is Painful -
I confirmed a few things last night at work that I knew but I didn't want to admit.The first is that work when slow at my job is hellish. My cook fell asleep 3 different times because we had so little to do. We did such a small amount of sales that we didn't even pay HIS salary. Fucking pointless. There's only so much you can write and read and clean. Mabye I'll go write fanfiction in a journal at work like the old days just to pass the fucking time.
Secondly, I confirmed that I am, in fact, a starer. I stare at people. I stare and peer and peep and look and micro-ogle. I know this because there was a decently looked girl at work tonight who had the option. I had some of the worst designs on her all night but I found out from listening intently that she does have a boyfriend. That doesn't bother me as she wasn't THAT cute. What does is the fact that I just kept staring at her. I wanted to hit on her, snuggle up next to her, drive my groin against her flat ass...but all I could do was stare. This is a problem for me. This is what my shyness and my social anxiety does to me. In working situations I'm fine but with people I'm even moderately attracted to, I turn into a freaking long barrel bird watcher. Literally. Like I need to buy some long range binoculars and just go to the beaches in some thong and titty tropical island and not flirt but peep.
The sad thing is, while I want to change...I don't. It feels perfectly normal to want to stare at someone to me. I stared at my ex a lot. She used to come in and sleep and a lot of times I'd pull a chair next to the bed and just look at her in the dim light. I like staring at people. I like staring at people and just being silent. One of my fantasies is just a long prolonged staring with a little bit of caressing thrown in. It's weird I know...but it's me.
Now...to figure out how to hide it for the Holiday party...
- Plans, or How To Kill Time Humanely -
I work a massive amount of hours for my days off. Saturday night for the ATL party, the 21st - 24th for my trip back home and more partying. Between then is a lot of fucking shifts. It's money in the bank and I'm glad to have the cnance to justify my excesses; It's great t pay bills, pay debtors do infrastructure AND be able to get butt wasted. The downside, of course, is that it's a lot of fucking work. I hate working Friday nights and I have to work at least two of the next 3 friday nights. Possibly more. But that also means I'll be making mad loot.
All of this brings me to a point: I'm thinking I want to go to Atlanta mad early Saturday morning, leave my stuff at the spot and then go out and do some shopping whilst riding the Marta. God I love Marta.
Then I want to take my booty and my presents and my booze back to the spot and get drunk and hopefully find a makeout partner. But to do this, I need prior approval first. I hope to get this soon.
- Tots and Jittles -
Insomnia sucks. Stacker 3's are hell. Crushes hurt. Posing nude is fun. Webcams suck.
Also, thanks for the link for the site for Chattarock. I'm so glad to see that there IS a little scene here. Now, I just have to get to it....
Later all. Time to writhe on my bed some more...
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
My ego eats small children. It'll be eating small townships soon, at the rate it's growing.
On the other hand, I think to myself, "Oh noes! If I take it down, then The One Person I Really Want may not find me!" Nevermind that this person probably doesn't exist. And that I'd probably be a retard and tell them no anyway.
I have that eternal curse-- I never like the people who like me, and the people I like never like me back.
It must be karma.