bigblack81

Some notes before my second bedtime. Seems like all I do now is sleep, write, wash dishes and go to work. I so hate Chattanooga. Atlanta is so much better.

I made some photoshop paintings. Sita and Aikaterine got first cracks and I will do more as I experiment with the style I use. I like both of them but I think AK's turned out much better. Some comments would be nice. Also, requests for me to do this for girls or guys would be appreciated. Good head shot photos are appreciated.

I love grabbing albums from people online and discovering music I wouldn't normally like but do. Case in point: I was grabbing a Buzzcocks album and I stumbled onto 'Tallahasse' by the Mountain Goats. I grabbed it because it looked interesting from the song titles and I was pleasantly surprised. It's kinda folk, kinda Violent Femmes but more mature, with a touch of The Decemberists. In fact, if you took away a lot of the Decemberists's artiface, this is what you'd get. I'm liking this a lot. But then again, any time I get a guitar strumming boy singing about abstract heartache, I get all gushy inside.

I got the Minikon album last year the same way as I got the Mountain Goats album. Now that was a great undiscovered find. I love the fact that the album sounds like video game music but once you get past that, it's actually really mature beats and songs structures. Kiddish but adult. I like that a lot...but again, if you had given me a look at the cover, I probably wouldn't have gotten it. I like being surprised musically and more and more I'm finding that on a good P2P, the best way to find good music is just to browse and download. Thank god for 80 gig hard drives.

Onto the main topic. I was told last night that I stare. Which I do. This apparently freaks girls out because they think I'm some sort of a stalker. I am a stalker but not like most. I'm a social phobic which makes me want to learn and know a lot before I risk making an ass out of myself by speaking. A lot of times I'll be staring at a girl trying to figure out a little clue as to how to approach her and the very act of staring scares them off. I hate this.

I can understand how stalkers and obsessives think; I am, by definition, a stalker and an obsessive. Or I at least have the traits. I'm not sure. But I do know that it's difficult to interact socially and it's becoming more and more of an issue for me. I know, KNOW, that I am a good person and I have lots of things to offer to girls. I know that once they get past the genetic issues and the mental fuckups, most would realize that there is a good man here and drop their panties in a speed dash to come to my side. I know this. What I just don't know and can't seem to figure out is just how to convert what is inside and outside of me into something that I can approach girls with.

The girl who told me this last night was right but she did give me credit by acknowledging and agreeing that it's hard to be strong socially when you have social phobia. But I also know it freaks girls out when guys stare at them. I understand...but I don't. If whatever diety made us made us in beauty and form, then why is it wrong for me to look, ogle, stare and pine? Why is it wrong to analyze, to find the courage to say something? Is it all about me going to some woman and saying, "Ugh. Me like. You hot. Let's screw." or is there some form of social interaction I'm missing here?

I like to stare. I like breaking someone down with a confident gaze. I want someone to meet my gaze and match it. If I turn away, they've bested me. But apparently with women, small gazes and furtive shuffles work best. To that, I say, why?

And on that note, I'd like to propose that we hold remedial adult social interaction workshops for boys and girls like me who are great people but can't communicate for shit. And any parent that shelters and huddles their child into a hole should be glocked in the face and strung up for the crows to eat. I was sheltered and isolated as a kid and though it kept me off the streets, it's crippled me emotionally and socially. Genetics aside, traits are learned and my mom taught me how to be an isolationist. But women don't fuck or love isolationists...Do they?

Comments please.

Also, a nice shout out to Shawna. thanks for the great conversation. I hope to have a lot more...you're cute, smart, funny and damned incredible. I wish could like you more...but ce la vie...