bigblack81

Before I go back to bed, I thought I'd write a little something.

Work was hell last night. It's one thing being with your crush all night, it's another being with her when she's sleepy and somewhat sluggish. I was so tweaked on clean last night that I just couldn't stop cleaning and I was so worried we'd not get done in time for first shift but we did. I'm getting tired of dealing with her dysfunctions on the job. But the worst part was that she had not only ultra visible panty line near the end of the shift (a fucking goldmine for a panty/upskirt freak like me) but I also got to see the tops of her panties prominently when I woke her up from sleeping in the booth. Purple satin with a flowery brocade pattern. Kill me now, o diety. Kill me nw and bestill my hurting heart.

I didn't have a great shift as well because I talked to my friend Brianna before and during and confessed that I had had a thing for her for a while. She said she knew and that she wanted to see me and she wouldn't be at all unhappy if we kissed and hugged and made out but she didn't want to have sex or try a full relationship. The relationship part I could understand, and to a lesser extent the not wanting to have sex part. But what really cranked my nose out of joint was the fact that she didn't understand that I'm not comfortable kissing girls I don't feel like I have in my pocket. Meaning, I don't kiss people I don't love or really really like. Every kiss has left an impression on my heart and mind from every girl so I'm very selective as to whom I'll confess this information to. The chances of rejection, even for a glutton for punishment like me is just to great to deal with right now.

Bri couldn't understand that her coming down to see me for New Years, sleeping in my bed and possibly being intimate with me was a bad idea because then I'd WANT to be her man and have that right to do that all the time. I'm not sure fuck or cuddlebuddies can sort out all those semantical issues and I'd rather not deal with that right now. Is this going to stunt my chances of getting a woman? Probablly but there's going to be way less heartache from doing that then doing the "friends with benefits" route.

And to a lesser extent, I guess it's why I'm not that big a fan of online flirting, which I got an offer for. On the one hand, I'm extremely flattered (and blushing my brown fucking ass off, too - ) but on the other hand, I'm not sure I want to put myself into that type of mental anguish knowing the person I'm flirting with has a man and likes to flirt. To me, it just doesn't feel right especially because I'm not that comfortable with flirting. Flirting has always connotated to me a level of being dishonest that I know puts me deep in the Holden Caulfield (Catcher In The Rye - J.D Salinger for all you literary fags.) lineage. But to me, I'm honest to a fault - I don't butter people up nor do I heap loads of shit on them. It's just not my way.

I'd much rather have a good honest conversation. It's easier to take to bed with you without feeling guilty.

Also, Elizabeth messaged me again out of the blue this morning. Said she was doing fine and not being very social. I wish she'd let me collar her and make her mine. There's a deeply repressed slut wandering around in that little religious body and i see her heading for a life of either skanky housewife bullshit or utter acolytic denial and I think she's just better then that. I wish she'd let me love her but with her self image as it is now I'd just be fucking shit up. So I was cordial to her but distant. I think she noticed.

If you haven't noticed about me, I'm not one to let go easily. It's why women love me as a friend and hate me as a lover. Cest' la guerre (sp?).

This is definitely la puta vida, a bitch of a life.