beyondbitter

Married... Hmmm...

So, the combined thoughts in many journal entries has got me thinking... about money, hate, love, retalliation and even about forgiveness. I was told that Im not bitter... and I guess for the most part Im not but that statement depends on where you fall into my life. Friend, lover, enemy, ex, co-worker, aquaintiance... I am VERY bitter and guarded about a lot of things...

I was IN a very restrictive/abusive relationship for a long time... the person I was with never saw it that way... he thought he was loving and caring and nurturing and never could see what I saw and felt. He was the LAST person I shared my life with, REALLY shared my life with. I have all these memories of him doing these things that he writes of as "JOKES"... here's one... tell me if it makes YOU laugh...

I dislocated my Sterno-Clavicular Joint in 1993... it was VERY painful, I mean it hurt to breathe... Not the kind of pain that makes me cry but definately the kind that makes me head to the emergency room for an X ray or two... I had no idea this is what was wrong... but as it turned out it was a bit more serious than I had anticipated... I had to have IMMEDIATE surgery.... the bone was resting near a MAJOR artery and had great potential to cause serious damage or even death if it was not dealt with immediately... so, off to the emergency room... I dont remember much about the situation except I DO rmember that while I was lying in the fucking hospital bed hooked up to a morphine drip to deal with the pain that guy came in and complained to me about a HEADACHE.... He DID sleep in his car outside because they kicked him out of the hospital at night but ... DAMN... and if that was the end of it... it wouldnt have been so bad but there's more... durring my HOME recovery I set up camp on the couch, he allowed some of his friends from out of town to come and visit (which I did NOT want at ALL, can you blame me?) They were getting ready to go play basketball at a small court about 2 blocks away more walking that I needed to or SHOULD be doing... he egged me on to come with them and I refused... he was acting like a tough guy (THE MAN OF THE HOUSE MENTALITY) in front of his friends... he held the basket ball over my stapled skin, over my aching colarbone.... he pretended to drop it but caught it before it hit me, I jumped every time fearing he would accidentally miss that ball and it would hit me... I imagined the pain everytime he JOKED around with that fucking ball... then, he did... He missed it and it bounced off my body, off my staples, off my chronically dislocated-recently cut and proded collarbone... when it happened he dint appologize, cry, reach out to help me when I jumped off the couch, he looked at his friends who were suddenly quiet and unsure what to do, he looked at them and laughed, a nervous reaction you might hope, its what I hoped but NO... and I know that because of what he said... "Opps... I was only joking around!"... then he told me I was OKAY and he headed off with his friends, leaving me in pain ALONE, while he threw a basketball around with his buddies. You tell me, does he sound like a comedian to you??

For the most part I am NOT bitter but I have a place in my heart that is full of resentment, bitter biting lashing out at you for no reason resentment. I am not bitter I am beyondbitter.

I am very fortunate to have some really wonderful people in my life. GREAT friends, family and I am lucky to have a life that teaches and rewards me everyday. I wouldnt change a thing... even the bad times are part of who I am... and as much as I would love to let go of that bitter piece of my soul, I LIKE who I am... I like who I am because of what I have survived and what I have to offer people because of it!

So... VIVA LA ME!
Thanks for tuning in that concludes my sob story... stay tuned for more adventures in the life of BB. Dont worry the rest will be ... ummm... FUN FUN FUN!

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Am I the only one on SG with no Testimonials... ummm... Please? gimmie some Testimonial LOVE??!
*Smooches!*