I think I'm losing it now. Not my mind, but sort of my mind. I had made up my mind, now where is it? It sucks. This sucks, everything sucks. What kind of mentality is that? I think I'm on top of my game then some event interferes with it. Maybe I just don't want to be in school. When I think of that possible life, one without college, it seems like poor and unsuccessful, but NOT unhappy. I could go out and do my own thing, be proud of doing my own thing, not giving a shit about what others think. I might not have a lot of money in my pocket but to trade money for actually LIVING during my short time here, I'd go on and do my own thing. I want to live damn it.
But at the same time I want to earn a living and provide for my family in the future. I want to go to college so I can someday take my kids to Disney Land, or whatever. I want a nice house, nice furniture, nice clothes and a nice car, but those material things aren't as important to me as learning about myself is. We're on this Earth for such a short time, so why waste it trying to make lots of money. You spend hundreds of thousands in student loans to go to college, so you can get the job that pays the loans off. You work hard now, in your early twenties, so it pays off later. Later? When? When I'm forty and hating my life because I pissed it all away in order to have this cushy job, this car, this 1.2 million dollar home?
I'm honestly not worried about social security or 401(k) because I honestly don't think I'll live that long. Why? Because of my lifestyle. And if I don't believe that I'll live that long, I should be doing everything I can to figure this shit out. What's my purpose? Who I am? WHY AM I? Why am I in this role of social construct. Who are these random bodies of cells called 'friends' and 'family'? FAMILY, what is it? A bond between shared genes? A social construct made up of many different parts, each working separately, yet when brought together make up the 'family'.
But asking questions doesn't answer anything. What is a answer anyway, its just another question raised. Nothing is concrete. Except math, and the stars. Why devote myself to one thing which ultimately amounts to nothing. Am I so conscious of the fact that humans will eventually destroy themselves, and the Earth will go on until its engulfed by the sun, that I want to do nothing, simply because "what's the point"? What is the point.
But at the same time I want to earn a living and provide for my family in the future. I want to go to college so I can someday take my kids to Disney Land, or whatever. I want a nice house, nice furniture, nice clothes and a nice car, but those material things aren't as important to me as learning about myself is. We're on this Earth for such a short time, so why waste it trying to make lots of money. You spend hundreds of thousands in student loans to go to college, so you can get the job that pays the loans off. You work hard now, in your early twenties, so it pays off later. Later? When? When I'm forty and hating my life because I pissed it all away in order to have this cushy job, this car, this 1.2 million dollar home?
I'm honestly not worried about social security or 401(k) because I honestly don't think I'll live that long. Why? Because of my lifestyle. And if I don't believe that I'll live that long, I should be doing everything I can to figure this shit out. What's my purpose? Who I am? WHY AM I? Why am I in this role of social construct. Who are these random bodies of cells called 'friends' and 'family'? FAMILY, what is it? A bond between shared genes? A social construct made up of many different parts, each working separately, yet when brought together make up the 'family'.
But asking questions doesn't answer anything. What is a answer anyway, its just another question raised. Nothing is concrete. Except math, and the stars. Why devote myself to one thing which ultimately amounts to nothing. Am I so conscious of the fact that humans will eventually destroy themselves, and the Earth will go on until its engulfed by the sun, that I want to do nothing, simply because "what's the point"? What is the point.
niobe:
Thanks! 