bernadette_

It's a quiet night. I've been so wound up for way too long. Tonight I will cook dinner for myself, listen to the smiths, look at naked people and maybe fondle my guitar. I find myself daydreaming of a lifestyle where I am free to leave everything. Somewhere between 29 and today I tied myself to possesions and an idea of a life I wanted to create. On one hand I look at some of what I've done and feel good about the things that have come to me. But there is another side of me that desires to be free of all things. I think I'm realizing a pattern I have of escaping too. I've moved to new cities not knowing a soul and felt like everything was possible. But as almost everytime I hit about 4 years somewhere and want to go. I want to go discover and rename my existence in the world. I love the romance of the unkown possibilities and eventually it fades to a sense of obligation and well frankly a lack of motivation to further the exploration.

The odd thing is that in the midst of this unrestfulness I feel like I have so much to be thankful for. What is it in me that seeks the next great thing? I think about human nature quite a bit because I often believe that our subconcious urges are derived in our nature. It might be time for me to quit running though. It might be time to find the courage and strenght to trust the parts of my nature enough to be a new person every day and every moment.